Sunday, September 24, 2006

Never on a Sunday

Watching Vulgar Television
I don't have cable; sorry, I just can't see paying a 100 bucks a month for the same old shit with just more commercial crap no matter the nature of the programs or channels.

Everything on teevee is a lie. What? You heard me: everything on teevee is a lie. What about football and baseball games? you ask. Well, I could get into that but it's pretty simple; games could easily be rigged, scripted, how the hell do we know? Conspiratorial bullshit, you say. OK. I like conspiratorial bullshit, but then I see the world as a big cartoon so conspiratorial bullshit is a part of the whole reality, which to me, isn't real at all. What's real? What's natural, that's what's real. Thinking leads to reality. If you don't think about it, how do you know it's real?

On this day in the world billions of people are worshipping various gods, some with 8 or 12 arms, some with elephant heads on human bodies, some totally invisible but with presence enough to scare enough hell up in most true believers to the point they would kill for there scary invisible masters. I see this happening among the freaky fundamentalist Protestants in this country, the cracker faction of what was originally a group of redneck hicks who called themselves the Assemblies of God, a fairly high-class hillbilly church whose off-branches are receptacles of some of the dumbest human beings on the planet, especially those fools who worship their invisible Gawd in the Churches of God or the Four Square Gospel churches (founded by sexual nutjob Aimee Semple McPherson out in L.A. back in the hot-damn 20s and 30s, whose followers were the Dust Bowl refugees from the Okie-Arkie-Texas-Eastern New Mexico areas. Most of these churches's preachers come out of the Jesus-Camp campuses like big old hardcore Oklahoma hick Oral Robert's 2nd-rate college in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Or old pig jowled Jerry "Fatass" Falwell's jokey Liberty University. Or the up-in-the-hills true hillbilly hick college Bob Jones University in the advanced-thinking state of Tenn-y-see, where they look like monkies but claim they're human beings. Clarence Darrow tried to tell them, hey, you guys have evolved beyond the monkies you look like but these folks rejected him as the Devil and desired to stay monkies who believe they were created by an invisible being who they say they look just exactly like. Holy Cow, Jehovah's a damn big monkey of some kind.

Bulletin: Did you know Pickles's chief of staff makes $149,000 a year? The total salaries of all 400+ White House staffers, it includes writers, ethics consultants, advisers, is 44 million bucks a year (that's our money, folks).

Vulgar Teevee (cont'd)

The Holy Roller evangelicals were thick on the morning teevee programs. There was old Uncle Creflo Dollar (oh how proud he is of that name) and his wife Taffy, who kind'a used to look like a piece of Taffy until Creflo got rich and gave her a makeover and though she's still a big boned country woman ("Big Old Country Girl" by Johnny Otis tells it all--"You can take her out of the country, boys, but, you can't take the country out of her"), he's citified her up to at least high-class Atlanta standards, Praise the Lard...and pass the biscuits. Creflo's whole thing is--oh, did I forget to tell you Creflo's a black dude--I think he went to Oral Roberts--but his thing, like all the Holy Roller dudes whether white or black, is that all the money in the world belongs to God (Jehovah--Creflo calls him something else, Elohim, maybe)--the Devil, Creflo says, stole all the money in the world from Elohim and it's OK for Christians too steal it back or, dammit, take it back--you know, steal it back and put it in God's bank, which, by the way, is owned by Creflo Dollar--all the property titles are in his nonprofit church's name, see, that way he don't have to pay one dime of taxes on his big ole hell of a holy empire--Praise the Lard. Creflo's Rolexes and Armani suits are simply a part of his professional uniforms so he gets to buy all of that through his tax-free monies. Dig? Even the Lincoln Town Cars are also necessities of the successful preacher and are also tax-free. So are the jet airplanes, very necessary in spreading the jet-set gospel of Jehovah (of course, our old friend Yahweh, the god whose name can't be pronounced), tax-free necessities. Creflo's actual salary? Probably $400 a week; that's what he pays taxes on--$1600 a month; about $20,000 a year. Taffy, too, is on the rolls as a "preacher," so she gets her clothes, maids, jewelry, Lincoln Town Cars, and her jet plane tax-free, too. But she also probably makes the same salary as Creflo. I'm just assuming the two of these Holy Frauds rake in several hundred millions of dollars a year, all tax-free. Let's say one of Creflo's kids plays in his church's big band. Aha. That means the kid's musical instruments, mics, recording machines, soundboards, whatever he needs to do his church job are all tax-free expenses paid for by the church. I'm sure Creflo's son gets a salary, too. I'm sure Creflo's mother, if she's still alive, is also on the tax-free take--she may be official mother of the Creflo's Delaware-chartered church industry. Praise the Lard. Thar's millions in them thar hillbillies, whether they're black or white. Creflo's churches are basically black but there's some salt scattered about his huge arenas, too (the churches are all built with tax-free "God's" profits), and the very Christian Asian types--I live in a Korean neighborhood here in NYC and the Koreans are better Christians than anybody here in New York, mainly because they believe Jesus's brother moved to India or Japan or maybe even Korea and that Jesus came to visit him there and died there and not on that cross on Golgatha where he was hanged on orders from the Roman Imperial governor on the grounds he was a anti-Roman terrerist! By the bye, some Koreans believe the Reverend Sun Yung Moon is a direct descendant of Jesus Christ (Pappy Bush is, by the bye, a good friend of the Reverend in the cheap Korean suit). I suppose, like one of my distant relatives who was a famous outlaw and was hanged down near Luling, Texas, back in the late 1900s, Jesus's gang rescued him from the hanging and put a sheep in his place in the tomb and then took him off to Japan. Makes sense to me. I BELIEVE.

Let me send Creflo Dollar my last 1000 bucks. Hell, he'll send me the way to save my life for an extra $35 for his life-saving video. I've often wondered why Christian salvation, since it's necessary to save the world according to its devotees, always costs your ass at least $35 plus shipping and handling--nothing free in Jesusland. Wonder how much Camp Jesus gets to train a little hillbilly nipper to kill Muslims and heretics and shit like that--oh yeah, Abortionists! yes, those scumbags are much worse than Muslim terrerists (sic, we know, but that's the way Georgie Porgie pronounces it, OK?). "Kill 'em all, boys and girls, the long, the short, and the tall, kill the Mooslimb bastards with your holys swords in the mighty name of Joshua ben Joseph--yeah, kids, so come on, how 'bout a heart shot in the name of the Lard. Whew, Lawdy, Lawdy, killing for Jesus, the King of the Jews" (a joke put up on Jesus's cross by the Roman joking soldiers--all Jesus was to them was a stupid Jew from the slums of Nazareth who was a threat to their Roman rule in agitating the Jews to worship him instead of Caesar. Hail Caesar. "And the Jews cried 'Crucify him,' 'Give us Barabus, but nail that Joshua ben Joseph up by his heels").

"Jesus has been good to me and Taffy," Uncle Creflo chirps. Every now and then old Creflo drops back down into the Atlanta Buttermilk bottoms streets and gets sexy and witty, you know, spinning out some Ebonics to elevate the black folks in his arena and make the white people see that he ain't as uppity as he sometimes acts when he's raising high the roof beam during one of his gold-plated sermons--always concerned with "giving," "tithing," "giving God his money back," and being sure to send in $35 plus shipping and handling for another of Bro Creflo's hot money-making video tapes.

Political Vulgarities
I know better than to watch Fox News ever. I know better than to watch George Stefanopolis ever. I know better than to watch Chris Matthews ever. I know better, yet this morning I watched them all. Oh my God, I watched Fox News, some smug fop, interviewing Bill Clinton, old Slick Willie himself, and the Slick One was looking good, the grey hair slicked back like in his charming old days, looking pretty good, dressed as sharp as Creflo Dollar. The Fox News hound was pulling old Slick Willie's chain in spinning the jive spun out by the Rovian Offical Lie Production Center that hey 9/11 was SLICK WILLIE'S FAULT. Yeah, that's right. Slick Willie Clinter allowed 9/11 to happen. George Bush knew nothing about it when he took office. Son of a bitch. The Fox News dude said, "Reports are that you had a chance to kill Osama bin Laden in Somalia and you pulled up and ran like the coward you are." Man, that pissed Slick Willie off. By God, he said, bin Laden had nothing to do with our being in Somalia--that was a sick little war, too; that's the one where the reporters had to wade ashore with the troops, remember?

Slick Willie is such a liar. "I did not have sex with that woman." Why did the Slick One go into Somalia, where we were an absolute failure--Blackhawk down, remember that? Then, you can also blame Slick Willie for F-ing up in Afghanistan. Remember when he fired some missiles at what he said was OSAMA BIN LADEN'S Al Queda Training Camp? At first he wiped out bin Laden and the Al Queda heads of state; whoa, then it was reported he'd missed everything and his missiles probably fell out into the Afghan desert. Osama was safe.

Then remember, Slick Willie was involved with bombing the hell our of Iraq; remember, too, he fired some missiles into Baghdad, didn't he?, firing into a pharmaceutical labortory and also killing one of Iraq's great women artist? Didn't he?

Slick Willie is to blame for NAFTA, GAAP, the WTO. Slick Willie is also to blame for the original Patriot Act, not Georgie Porgie at all. Slick Willie took more civil rights away from We the People of the USA than any other president before him. Slick Willie set up the prison camps in Guantanamo for Cuban and then Haitian refugees. Slick Willie hated the Haitians coming here, remember; remember he circled Haiti with Naval vessels in order to shoot the Haitians trying to escape in innertube boats to keep them from coming to the US, whose original doors were supposed to be open to the world's oppressed and unwanted. That didn't include Haitians, not to Slick Willie. Slick Willie promised us a National Healthcare, remember the little cards we were going to get? Then he turned it over to Hilarious Hillary--not an elected official, remember, simply his wife--amazing how ex-president's wives can, unless they give into the alcohol like Pat Nixon and Mamie Eisenhower, network themselves into positions of authority. Look at Hillary. No experience at all in being a Senator, hell, never even lived in New York State, yet here she is the Senator from New York who the stupid Dumbocrats are shuffling about as a perhaps candidate for president in 2008--a sure loss, just in case you were wondering how I feel about Hillary.

The Dumbocrats are so dumb and just as criminal and heartless as the Repugnicans--plus these Dumbocrats are getting rich, too, off the Iraq War--don't you think the Clintons own a hell of a lot of Halliburton stock? Exxon-Mobil stock? Pfizer Pharma stock? Don't you think? I wouldn't be surprised to see Slick Willie's name on the Board of the Carlyle Group--I mean, one of his best pals is old Pappy Bush. Remember, he and Pappy saved the sunami survivors. The Tsunami! Have we forgotten that tragedy by now? Hell, only 300, 000 mostly Muslims died in that God-caused disaster. Is Jehovah coming after these wicked Muslims? Christians in Indonesia are now terrerists, too; Georgie Porgie, do we arrest Christian terrerists, too? Was Timothy McVeigh a Christian? He looked like a Christian to me. He probably could have started a church and gotten rich before the Feds needled him up with poisons and air bubbles.

Fiction or Fact: The Goliath grouper, a fish that grows to be six-feet long and weigh up to 400 lbs, starts out as a male and turns into a female as it grows. WOW.

A Bitter Sunday
This Sunday has left me bitter. I'm growling into a tremendous HOWL. I'm frustrated by the lies and the ignorant assholes who keep spreading and believing these lies. I prefer the lies of a fiction writer like Ernest Hemingway.

Osama bin Laden's death may be another false alarm. Oh no. I thought Karl had a winner this time. Repugnicans in November and all that. Well, I still think the Repugnicans will pull it out even if Rove's lies are proven lies and Osama is alive and well in Miami. Upset wins in Ohio and Florida, what do you think? Watch. I'm not watching Sunday morning teevee ever again. Solid, Jackson.

for The Daily Growler

Ah Shucks, Maybe

And More Ah Shucks--and From the Sorry Saudis

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