Thursday, June 15, 2006

Nonconformity Forever!

Death of a Nonconformist
I hadn't been on the Blog of Death in quite some time--back when Betty Friedan kicked the bucket earlier this year

So, I tripped over to the BoD early this morning while I was wiling away my time, my precious time that I have no time for wiling any of it away really, except early on the mornings when I cheat life by waking up too early, you know, fool it by tiptoeing over to my computer. "What the hell you doin' up?" Oh NO, TIME caught me. I'll hide in the NOW. And, lo and behold, in the NOW, right there on the old Blog of Death, I do hereby note the "passing" of a Nonconformist hero who has now become a Daily Growler saint, Andrew Martinez, "the Naked Guy." A straight A student and star football player in high school, Andy went to UCal-Berkeley in the early 1990s. One fine day, to express his nonconforming nature, being pissed off at this then quickly-becoming-a-corporate-corrupt nation, Andy showed up to class wearing only a backpack and a pair of Jesus sandals, saying his nudity expressed his feelings about having to conform to societal dress codes...or, heckfire, any code for that matter. Who the hell are YOU to determine the mores under which I should live in YOUR society? Andy screamed by exposing himself to his world. The university, of course, busted Andy; good ole liberal UCal (a joke after Reagan took it over while he was goobernor of Cally-phorn-ee-ah) tossed his naked ass out of school. Even the City of Berkeley city council immediately passed a nonnudity ordinance to cover actions like Andy's in the high-class liberal city of Berkeley. The day the city council voted this ordinance into being, Andy showed up at the municipal building naked as a jaybird, except for his trusty Jesus sandals, and again, his naked ass was immediately busted as the first breaker of this fresh-passed nonnudity code that had his name, Andrew Martinez, written all over it. He was given two years probation for his actions.

In 1993, Andy as "The Naked Guy" was the "hot topic" on several teevee talk shows, plus he made an appearance in his nonconforming state of undress in the October '93 issue of Playgirl magazine. Soon students all over the country were showing up to class naked in honor of NOW Saint Andrew Martinez.

Of course, like all good stories, this one, too, has a sad ending. This seems to be always the case especially with "only15 minutes of fame" characters like Andy. While writing his memoirs and his thoughts on nakedness, Andy was hit with a sudden brain-implosion and turned on-the-spot into a mental patient. He spent the next 13 years of his naked life jailed, institutionalized, or homeless.

Recently, Andy made the news again, this time in Santa Clara County, California--do you know the way to San Jose? He was arrested by the Santa Clara sheriff for several counts of assault and battery, one involving using a weapon. The sheriff threw Andy's ass in the slammer, where he had been dwelling for the past 5 months. On the morning of June 1st, corrections officers at Santa Clara County Jail announced they had found Andy hiding under his covers...but WHOA!, when they pulled back those covers--ready to billy club Andy's ass perhaps, he had a "clear plastic bag" over his head. And Andy had stopped breathing. And Andy was dead.

A nonconformist right up to the end; however, it was not reported whether or not Andy was nude when either he killed himself or was killed (who the hell knows for sure?).

Three Daily Growler cheers of memory for Andrew Martinez, bearer of a naked truth his society could not handle. Hollywood and goobernor Arnie "a nice Nazi man's nice son" Schwartzenegger have no problem with nudity, and titty fondling and nipple sucking, or bare male butts, or one or two cinema hunk naked dicks hanging out, but oh no, going to a college class naked, oh no! Put a bag over that freak's head.

I googled "condemnation of nudity" trying to get an idea why we human animals are so strict with our public nudity bans or why we are so afraid of seeing other people naked; of course, it's due to most of us being embarrassed in terms of pot bellies, rolls of waist fat, thunder thighs, bony biceps, no asses, no length or width, too flabby breasts, wrinkles like a wadded up piece of paper, or excessively scars--like that tatoo of the Horned Moses you got put on your chest, you know, the one the tatoo guy said was what he called his "Horny Moses," so how was he to know you didn't want a biased sketch of Moses with a big schlong for a nose on your chest? It was good work, but I can see where you might be embarrassed to show it off out on the beach...except most of Moses is hidden by that thick brush...except, isn't that weird, how your hair won't grow over Moses's face?

I can see where nudity is stupid depending on what climate you live in. Most folks in mostly warm climates wear little if any clothes--the women always topless or where the Christian missionaries civilized them the flimsiest of thin cotton dresses that come high above their long legs, while the men and boys wear nothing but half-ass dick sacks...WHOA, I am digressing (fantasizing is such a wonderful way to digress). Of course, in cold climates, any person's a fool who goes around nude. They have no laws against public nudity in say Vladivastok in the Russian Federation [I heard George Soros being credited with ending communism in the Soviet Union. Is that true? Why do I not trust George Soros?]. How many public nudists do you have to worry about enough to pass ordinances against it when it's below zero most of the year 'round? How many minutes could a nude person survive in below-zero weather? My friend the Pool Shark, ex-Viet Nam vet, a professional Viet Nam vet--a professional killer or truck driver who couldn't get a job driving a truck--froze to death one February morning in downtown NYC in 20 degrees above zero; they said it probably took him about two hours to freeze totally to death, made easier because he was loaded with alcohol, TCP, codiene, pot...what a man!

And that's what clothes are for, protective coverings; and sure a woman and a man would keep their genitals protected; hell, yeah. The "sinful" concept of nudity is, of course, from the god-damn Holy Bible of the Christians, only a tiny portion of which is actually Christian, the New Testament section of this big double book, the first section being the Jewish Holy Bible or Book. Most of Christian rules about nudity and sex come from the Old Testament book of Genesis, supposedly written by Moses, who we assume, if we believe he was rescued from the bulrushes by Ramses the First's sister, knew cuneiform, maybe, but could he really read and write in Greek? Hebrew? Sumerian? Remember, the little king in the basket hidden in the bulrushes comes from the Sumerian divine excuse for making a little bastard baby named Sargon their divine king--his mother, a regular old court high priestess, got knocked up by, rumor said, a court gardener. When little Sargon entered the world, his HP mamma got worried he'd be beheaded by the progressives so she put him in a little woven basket and set him afloat on the easy-ridin' Euphrates River and lo and behold this little foundling became the famous Sargon of Sumer and Akkad, from a little bastard foundling floating in the Euphrates to ruler of the largest Mesopotamian kingdoms of Sumer and Akkad--little Sargon arose from the bulrushes 2,300 years before the birth of Joshua ben Josef the Nazarene Judaic Essene, or so it is written. These ancient Mesopotamian myths that originated in the King List are the fountainhead from whence came Hebraic myths, etc.

Antinudity comes directly from the "Garden of Eden" (Big Daddy Jehovah's paradisiacal plantation on the Tigres River) fable. Big Daddy made his first human out of mud and called him Adam, or whatever "first" is in whatever language Jehovah speaketh--Big Daddy could write, too, remember? With his pointing finger we assume (Jehovah wrote the Ten Judaic Commandments on those Sinai stone tablets with his finger), though he may have used his "bird" finger, who the hell knows?

Now Adam was naked but he didn't know it, right? We assume Adam was white, right? Or was Adam covered in hair like the other animals Jehovah had already made?--with dicks and vaginas, too, by the way. Therefore, we assume Adam had a dick, right? Or was he originally a mammal? Well, yes, and we assume also that Adam "shitteth and he pisseth" like all the other animals, too, right? And since he was made in Jehovah's image, then we assume Jehovah, too, had to shitteth and pisseth and must have had a dick or maybe a dick and a vagina. We must here assume from this that Jehovah had a mirror so he knew what his image looked like--or maybe he had supernatural eyes that could pop out of their sockets and robotically maneuver around taking a look back on the body from whence they came, though wouldn't those robotical eyes have seen an eyeless creature before them? Gadzooks!

Anyway, to cut a long story even longer, Adam was naked and when he saw he was naked he trembled before Jehovah. He might have been cold; it gets cold over there in the middle of the desert night (a whole lot of holy incidents take place in deserts in these bibles--does that mean God made deserts for punishment?--like the Green Zone being built by We the People over on the banks of the Tigres as I type on this--a big old green safe haven fortress/oasis for us civilized creatures while we level Baghdad so it blends flatly back into the desert from whence it came. You think we'll suck a lot of water out of the precious waters in the Tigres, maybe drying up the Iraqis's water supplies--helping them keep from swallowing their spit during Ramadan?

Then, on the desire of Adam, God gave Adam a woman (a "woe to man") and, we assume, she, too, was naked. I imagine Eve looked pretty close to what a female chimpanzee looks like, right? Let's see, Lucy was 4 feet tall, so, that would make Eve maybe shorter, say around 3 foot 9 inches? And like a chimpanzee, she was probably hairy as hell except for her naked titties and genital area, which was probably puffy and red flaring when she was always ready, especially conveniently exposed when she was bent over (in the natural Jehovah-ordained position--the Christian missionaries, remember, invented the way we Amuricans are taught to do it, the missionary position--fie on those bastards, I say. I, like the French, prefer doggy to missionary). I still can't find that nudity is a sin anywhere in all this biblical gobblygook.

Amazing the stories human beings, some with intelligence, believe--I mean that Adam and Eve bullshit is fanatically believed. There's dudes out there who would blow your ass to kingdom come for blaspheming Adam and Eve. I like Adam and Eve juice products, by the bye--are you allowed to recommend products on a blog? I'm nakedly at Google's mercy! Hail Andrew Martinez.

for The Daily Growler

Political Note:
Congress unanimously gave themselves a raise yesterday. Yes, that's right, and a healthy one, too. They said they deserved it in what they know is an inflated economy, the good ole US buck is becoming like a sailed silver dollar, lost in the burning sunset of disappearance, so they got a very healthy "cost-of-living" raise--up to 165,000 bucks a year, plus all those god-damn sweet "benefits." Remember when employers offered "benefits" as "incentives" to take a job with them? Now they've found out we'll pay for our own benefits--and wow, those CFOs are all gathered around a swimming pool down in Bermuda, all smoking cigars with a hot babe or boy on their knees, sticking hundred dollar bills in various vulgar places on the kids ("Oh, no, Mon, she legal, Mon, velly legal, I guarantee, Mon, on me mudder's sweet ole heart."). These CFOs and CEOs are laughing their hyena asses off with loud guffawing hysterics. "Do you believe it? These silly fools are paying for their own benefits. Oh what a god-damn great job those quantitative management bastards did on the US workforce. I thought they'd be tougher, you know, demand unions, shit like that, but god damn it, our Rovian methods worked, and we have this stupid work force paying for their own benefits, for their own healthcare, another industry we turned from a flop into a profit-maker--fuck free clinics, fuck anything free. Look here, for instance, we have a chance to buy the waters of the Ghanges from the greedy filthy smarmy Indian bastards for a piddling of bucks--can you believe people are actually letting us talk them into privatizing their fucking water, one of their fucking sources of life? What these goonies will do for a worthless fat Amurican buck. Ain't nothing free anymore, boys and girls--hey, Mabel, how 'bout another round of these damn juniper berry milkshakes with that special dolphin piss, don't forget, sweetie. You see the ass on that lad?"

Don't you wish you could just vote yourself a raise every year. You can if you develop a strong enough union. Wow, is that communism? Joining together to protect your means of survival, your job, your profession, your factories, your manufacturers, your ships, your railroads, your utilities, your natural resources--to protect your income--how you "make a living." We are giving away our "livings."

It's a drag. And the Yankees lost today to the Redskins...oops, I'm sorry, the Cleveland Wahoos...oops, I'm sorry, that's Chief Wahoo, the cute Looney Toons cartoonish Cleveland Indian mascot. However, I can see if I were a Native American I would take offense at Chief Wahoo--he's bucktoothed meaning he's either dumb or impersonating Jerry Lewis impersonating a Chinese waiter. Besides, what the hell's an Indian? How about the Cleveland Wogs? Oh my God, the antidefamation league of Calcutta is cursing us;please, Sahib, we at the Growler are writing satire--LIKE CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY--we are SATIRISTS!!! [Yes, Scott Fitzgerald, we are laughing at our own joke.]

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