Friday, June 30, 2006

All This Muck, but Not Many Rakes

Japs Invade Graceland
Elvis, he's buried with his head in a toilet, isn't he? is so proud today, oh boy is he. Georgie Porgie, our "president," is planning a big thrill for the visiting Japanese keiko-muckity-muck (don't most Japanese prime ministers trot in and out of office at a pretty rapid pace--most of them having to leave office due to money and whore scandals?). Our Great Decider is taking Prime Minister ______________ (fill in with whatever Japanese prime minister's name you've ever known; mine's Prime Minister Tojo, but my memory goes back a long way and that's why I hate my memory) to Graceland! Hot diggity damn! "Hey, Georgie Porgie," we growl from the bushes, "why don't you take him to the Atomic Bomb Museum in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and show him what we used to decimate Hiroshima and Nagasaki?" On the other hand, Graceland's probably the best place to take him. Elvis is really really big on the karaoke ("empty orchestra" in Japanese) circuit in Tokyo. That'll be a great photo-op for Georgie Porgie; maybe he can duet up with Prime Minister Tojo Jr. on "You Ain't Nothin' but a Hound Dog"*--maybe play a little air guitar with the PM or do one of those Colon Powell "hootchie" dances that the big general did in Indonesia back in his more glorious days before he disgraced himself going before the UN with schoolkid drawings of the site where Saddam Hussein kept his massive collection of weapons of mass destruction. [I suppose you've read by now that a general in Iraq says he's found what "may be" evidence of Saddam's WMDs (that's what they call them now in that land of holy acronyms)--What's that? we ask, naked photos of the twins, like Saddam's sons had in their porn palace? Saddam tried to kill Georgie Porgie's wimpy old Pappy, so Georgie Porgie killed Saddam's ne'er-do-well sons, who were simply growing up living off their dad's oil money same as Georgie Porgie had done afore he was appointed our "president").]

*"Hound Dog," was written for Willie Mae Thornton by Leiber and Stoller when she was part of Johnny Otis's touring blues revue. Johnny brought her to New York City and into the Apollo; the first night Willie Mae Thornton stole the show, got her nickname "Big Mama" when an Apollo audience member shouted it out after she finished her set, and got signed by the Apollo as the headline act for the next night. The most she ever got for "Hound Dog" was $500. Willie Mae moved to Houston where she was signed by Don Robey for his Peacock label. Down in Houston she met Larry Williams the great bandleader, pianist, songwriter (he wrote "Slow Down" a tune the Beatles covered and now most Beatlemaniacs think they wrote it. "Larry who?" they asked). While in Houston she wrote "Ball and Chain," which Big Brother of the Holding Company turned into a slow blues for his lead singer, Janis Joplin, a white Bessie Smith impersonator from Port Arthur, Texas, same place Johnny Winter's from, who made a hit out of it. Big Mama made it a hit in the black community, but she never got a red cent from Janis Joplin's rip-off. Willie Mae died out in L.A. in 1984 of a heart attack, still singing the blues. Big Mama also played the harmonica and the drums.

Meanwhile, Back at Graceland
So while Georgie Porgie, our "president," is karaoke-ing around with PM Tojo Jr. at Graceland, then I suppose it's over to the ranch at Crawford for some We the People-paid-for barbecue, the world goes on burning and being flooded and thousands of people are dying every damn day from intrusive killing operations from some outsider assholes bringing searching and destroying into their lives, like Israel willing to blow the Gaza Palestinians--don't ask yourself why those Palestinians are in Gaza in the first place--to several different kingdoms come to make a point about "you don't kidnap an Israeli soldier goddammit and get away with it." Nationalism. What stupidity to think you are a "Chosen People"--and don't come down too hard on the poor stupid Israelis, the Islamics believe they're "chosen," too, and so do the ignorant Protestant and Catholic Christians believe they're "chosen." Why these Amurican Christian assholes are so "chosen," they're just one day gonna disappear, "be gathered up," as they like to trumpet it, leaving us Mother Nature lovers BEHIND. "OH, GODS, I PRAY, AND I PRAY TO ALL YOU HOLY BASTARDS, PLEASE TAKE YOUR TRUE BELIEVERS AWAY FROM THIS BEAUTIFUL EARTH SO WE MOTHER NATURE LOVERS CAN MAYBE DEVELOP A PEACEFUL COALITION IN WHICH WE THE EARTH'S PEOPLE ARE OUR OWN GODS, ALREADY LIVING IN OUR MANSIONS IN OUR HEAVEN. SO, ALLAH, PLEASE TAKE ALL YOUR JIHAD-FAITHFUL UP TO THAT BIG WHOREHOUSE IN THE SKY SO THEY CAN HAVE THEIR 10,000 VIRGINS AND ALL THE BUDWEISER THEY CAN DRINK. AND JEHOVAH, OH PLEASE, JEHOVAH, TAKE ALL THESE THY CHILDREN HOME, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU...LEAVE US BEHIND QUICK, ALL YOU GODS, LEAVE US BEHIND TO ENJOY THIS OUR ONLY PARADISE."

And that's my war prayer. And if you'd like to read Mark Twain's classic, go here:

Of course, "leaving us behind" is not the objective of these religious A-holes. They want to take us with them. See? That's the whole purpose of these "left behind" pieces of crap books, not to actually leave us crusty old atheists (and I speak for myself) behind, but to scare the bejesus out of us so we'll belly up to their pig troughs and eat of their Savior's holy slop, which to these geeks is his flesh and blood. God, that sounds disgusting to me. See? Conversion. That's their goal. It won't work with me because I'm not superstitious. Horror movies don't scare me. Reality scares me and what's so frightening about the left behind books is not their message but that they sell so well. They are selling better than the Christian "words of Jehovah" book.

I've been singing Gershwin's great old song, "It Ain't Necessarily So," [from Porgie and Bess] all morning. Yet, another morning of the same old bullshit reality I faced successfully yesterday.

It ain't necessarily so
It ain't necessarily so
De things dat yo' liable to read in de Bible
It ain't necessarily so

/ Am D Am D / Am D Am - / D7 Eb7 D7 Eb7 / B7 E7 Am - /

Li'l David was small but oh my
Li'l David was small but oh my
He fought big Goliath who lay down and dieth
Li'l David was small but oh my

Oh Jonah he lived in de whale
Oh Jonah he lived in de whale
For he made his home in dat fish's abdomen
Oh Jonah he lived in de whale

Li'l Moses was found in a stream
Li'l Moses was found in a stream
He floated on water 'til ole Pharaoh's daughter
She fished him she says from that stream

It ain't necessarily so
It ain't necessarily so
Dey tell all you chillun de debble's a villain
But 'taint necessarily so

To get into Hebben don' snap for a sebben
Live clean, don' have no fault
Oh I takes dat gospel whenever it's pos'ble
But wid a grain of salt

/ F7 Bb - - / Bm7 E7 A6 A7 / D7 - G G6 / B7sus4 B7 D7 - /

Methus'lah lived nine hundred years
Methus'lah lived nine hundred years
But who calls dat livin' when no gal'll give in
To no man what's nine hundred years

I'm preachin' dis sermon to show
It ain't nessa, ain't nessa
Ain't nessa, ain't nessa
It ain't necessarily so

/ Dm6 - A E7 / D C#7 / F#m Dm6 / A E7 A - /

Meanwhile, Back Where It Is So
So while Georgie Porgie and Tojo Jr. are whompin' it up in Elvis's African Room at Graceland, some Palestinians, Baghdadians (guaranteed), East Timorans, Sri Lankans, Sudanese, Congolese, Ugandians, other Iraqis (guaranteed), Afghanis (guaranteed), Amurican soldiers (guaranteed), Iraqi insurgents (you catch my drift)...WILL BE BLOWN TO BITS as our truly "other" world "president" photo-ops his way merrily down the path of total destruction with his Japanese sidekick. "Oh, by the way, Mr. "President,' show Prime Minister Tojo Jr. the sacred toilet bowl in which Elvis died pitching up his haunted guts after overdosing on a couple'a handfuls of Doctor Nick's special little pills. I think it's one of those toilets that plays the 'Star Strangled Banner' when you take a crap in it." "Damn, now I see; you don't really have to stand up when that damn thing plays that damn song...what's it called again? A man could get a mess of shit on him if that damn thing went off during a good old-fashioned crap, right, Tojo?" the "president" goofily chirped.

Did you see where Georgie Porgie, our "president," is going to defy his own handpicked Supreme Court? Yeah, he's gonna hold them Gitmo trials anyway, fuck those phony judges.

Are these distractions being foisted on us by Karl "Goebbels" Rove as the "progressive" media wants us to believe? I don't view it that way; I think these fools are like chickens with their heads cut off? I don't think they know their asses from holes in the ground. Their bullshit Neo-Con world enslavement isn't working the way they intellectualized it; they couldn't shoot their wads with it and now they're broke, remember?; they're wimps just like Pappy Bush. Another bunch of wimps trying to rule us.

I was looking at the broadest definition of "liberal" and as broad a definition of "progressive" I could find and damn liberal is a mean damn word. One of the meanings of liberal is "to be of free birth." Wow. That means as a liberal I can never be a slave. I'm a Liberal, god-dammit; a f-ing LIBERAL. Screw being a progressive; hell a staunch Bircher Conservative can be a progressive, but he can't be a broadly defined Liberal no matter what. Progressives will never beat the Bush Babies. See, the Bush Babies, they ain't nothin' but demagogs with a self-aggrandizement-based purpose. Their purpose: the conquest of the world's natural resources and then turn the world into a Plantation with them playing all the Mr. Charlie roles. [Hillary was right, but coward that she is, she had to apologize for it because the Repugnicans, who are out-and-out racists, even the black Repugnicans--don't you bet Clarence Thomas hates his blackness?--that's why he has his nose up the white man's ass, the true hole of his birth--claimed she was using "the race card," which is a no-no in good clean fun Amurican politicking.]

I might add the fight to save the Internet is not over. The Repugnicans seem to be determined to wreck it; they are belly-to-belly with the big-buck-bribing Telecoms, taking their bucks greedily without any thought to the consequences. We the People's Internet is being given to a handful of telecommunications giants, all of them remerging into that original old Ma Bell monopoly. It's time for some trust bustin', but I don't see it coming any time soon. We could save this country if we'd simply tax all the churches. Then take some of our economy back by taxing extreme wealth. Kings have come about in our human past when the princes, priests, property owners, controllers of the wealth get together and pick one of their own to make divine and thereby monarchical rulings always in their favor and at a hell of an expense to the proletariat. I don't want a fool like Jolly Prince Charlie ruling me, do you? Or old fool Nazi-relative Queen "Grandma-looking" Elizabeth, a scotch drinker, ruling me either, do you? Or how about Prince Ranier ruling your ass? How about a whore movie star as your Queen? Or how about the monarch of Brunei ruling you? Check out all the kings in the world and decide which kind of king you want ruling your ass. How about Prince Harry in his Nazi uniform--"Hell, I found that in dad's closet; he said it belonged to one of granny's uncles"--ruling you? Think about it. Not me; that's not what I want. If Georgie Porgie is going to be my monarch, F-it, I'm headin' for the toolies of Canada...oh, shit, those fools still give knee-bowing honor to that F-ing old bag Queen of the Commonwealth.

"Off with their heads!"

for The Daily Growler

From BuzzFlash, a Pretty Damn Good Editorial (It's Gotta Lotta Growl in It)

Marvbackbiter's Sports Extra
Marv Backbiter was last seen getting aboard a train headed for Morristown, New Jersey; there's a bar out there right across from the train station, so we suppose that's where Marv is hunkered low on a high barstool out there, slinkily arched over the bar asking the Irish bartender the race results from Monmouth, basking in the glory of his having been yeah verily almost yeah verily perfect in his World Cup picks for today's matches:

Marv said:

Germany and Argentina was a tough one; he predicted it would result in a shootout; which it did; 1-1 deadlocked through the two regular time periods, then through a couple of extratime periods, finally ENDING IN A SHOOTOUT, which Germany won 4-2. The Germany goalkeeper stopped two very weak kicks of Argentina's. So Argentina is gone and Germany moves on.

Italy and the Ukraine--Marv flat out said Italy was lucky and said it would end 2 - 0. OK, Marv missed was Italy 3 Ukraine, come on, sports fans, that's pretty damn good. We're giving Marv a 100% rating right this minute. Marv Backbiter deserves as many black and tans as he can chug-a-lug out in there in those ancient woods of western New Jersey.

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