The New Grand Pooh Bah
Put on your hip boots; the bullshit has reached the flood stage. All across the teevee dials this morning and for most of the day the Jesus freaks, the Pentagon gravediggers and mass destruction planners, the jive-juiced figured-it-all-out experts, the ass-kissing toady loyalists, the Unka Dick-type of down-their-noses F U gang, the just-plain-old revengers, the hidden-gun-toting shut-my-mouth good ole boys, the Aryan Nation devotees, the Minutemen Mexican rounduppers, the amalgamated noosemakers, the apostles of being-dead-is-better-than-being-alive, the clowns from the circus of the absurd, the pig-jowled pig-shit-wallowers, the Matt Lauer-type news-hype pretty boys, the bouncy, dumbass-pretty, probably Asian, all-Cheshire-cat-smiles babe show hosts and the very serious-looking Washington on-the-spot babe reporters--THESE CHEESY BASTARDS ARE PROCLAIMING THAT GEORGIE PORGIE, OUR "PRESIDENT," HAS MASTERMINDED A CLEVER AND STEALTHFUL VICTORY OVER AL QAEDA, THE WHOLE DAMN KIT AND KABOODLE OF THEM, "DISABLED" THEY ARE SAYING, ACCORDING TO SECRET AL QAEDA PAPERS FOUND BY THE BIG IRAQI POLICE STATE BROWN SHIRT SQUADS YESTERDAY NEAR THE PLACID RUINS WHERE AL-ZARQAWI MIRACULOUSLY SURVIVED A DIRECT HIT BY 2, COUNT 'EM, 2, 500-lb BIG DADDY BOMBS LONG ENOUGH TO DIE IN THE ARMS OF THE GOOD-HEARTED AMERICAN SOLDIERS WHO WERE TRYING MADLY TO SAVE HIM, ONE BY STANDING ON HIS CHEST AND JUMPING UP AND DOWN...OH, SORRY, THAT'S THE ARMY WAY OF DOING RESUSITATION--hell, they are saying that AL QAEDA HAS BEEN BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR--AND IT IS ALL DUE TO THE BRILLIANCE OF OUR APPOINTED "PRESIDENT'S" SECRET "STICK-TO-IT" OPERATIONS IN HIS FOLLY-BLOATED WAR ON TERRORISM THAT HE FOILED BY TRICKING THEM INTO THE FOLLOWING HIS SHIFTY ASS INTO IRAQ, SEE THE DEVIATED DETAILS COMING SOON, WHERE HE TRAPPED 'EM USING AL-ZARQAWI AS BAIT--SINCE NOW WE KNOW AL-ZARQAWI WAS ACTUALLY THE ACTUAL HEAD OF THE ACTUAL AL QAEDA. HAVE YOU CAUGHT ON YET? THIS ALL DUE TO GEE-PORGIE DECIDING THE BRILLIANT HITLER-LIKE MILITARY MANEUVERS THAT LED TO THE KILLING (KILLING IS ALWAYS THE FINAL SOLUTION) OF AL-ZARQAWI, WHO, AND AGAIN I REMIND YOU, IT TURNS OUT WAS TRULY THE TRUE LEADER ALL ALONG OF THE ACTUAL AL QAEDA, A FACT OUR RIGHTFUL MONARCHICAL "UNPRECEDENTED PRESIDENT" KNEW FROM THE GET-GO, WHILE HE WAS READING MY PET GOAT AS THE WORLD TRADE CENTER AND THE PENTAGON WERE BEING ATTACKED. YEP. BRILLIANT BEYOND A C AVERAGE AT YALE. YOU SEE, IT TURNS OUT, BIN LADEN HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH 9/11--AS, BY THE WAY, BIN LADEN AT FIRST SAID. THAT'S WHY OUR BRILLIANT "PRESIDENT" ONCE TOLD A REPORTER WHO ASKED HIM IF HE KNEW WHERE BIN LADEN WAS THAT HE DIDN'T KNOW WHERE HE WAS...AND HE DIDN'T CARE WHERE HE WAS...HE DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO MESS WITH HIM ANYWAY--HE'D EVEN FORGOTTEN HIS NAME, REMEMBER? SO NOW YOU SEE, GEORGIE PORGIE KNEW IT WAS AL-ZARQAWI WITH THE BLIND EGYPTIAN CALIPH WHO WERE ACTUALLY THE ACTUAL HEADS OF THE ACTUAL AL QAEDA AND NOT THE ONE MADE UP BY THE CIA AND ATTRIBUTED TO BIN LADEN! YEAH, THAT'S IT. IT'S ALL CLEAR AS TONS OF SAUDI PIG SHIT NOW. AL-ZARQAWI WAS EMBEDDED IN IRAQ NOT AFGHANISTAN OR PAKISTAN LIKE THOSE COMMIE-LEANING SECULAR HUMANISTS THOUGHT OR LIKE THE INEVITABLE DOUBTERS THOUGHT. OUR APPOINTED FUHRER KNEW ALL ALONG AL-ZARQAWI WAS MORE POWERFUL THAN BIN LADEN (WHO?). AND LISTEN TO THIS--I MADE THIS UP IN MY HEAD THIS MORNING WHILE HEARING ALL THE TOTAL CRAP BEING SPRAYED OVER WE THE PEOPLE LIKE HIPPOS SPREAD THEIR SHIT ALL OVER THINGS WHEN THEY'RE PISSED. HERE'S HOW THE NEWSHOUND SHIT SPREADERS ARE GONNA SPREAD IT--WE GO INTO THE NEWSROOM AT CBS-PARAMOUNT-VIACOM-INFINITY NEWS: "CHIEF, HAVE YOU GONE THROUGH THIS MORNING'S SHIT PILE YET?" "YEAH, I HAVE...I KNOW THE INSURGENTS KILLED OVER 60 PEOPLE IN IRAQ IN A NEW FLOURISH OF FIGHTING AND THE TALIBAN ARE BACK BETTER THAN EVER IN AFGHANISTAN, BUT, F THOSE REALITIES, LET'S GO WITH THIS ROVIAN BULLSHIT HERE--PUMP IT UP--I KNOW, LET KATIE WEAR ONE OF HER HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADER OUTFITS--YOU KNOW, COM'ON, KATIE, SWEETHEART, SHOW A LITTLE TITTY WHEN YOU DO THIS--HEAR, LET ME READ YOU THIS, '"PRESIDENT" BUSH TOOK COMMANDING CHARGE YESTERDAY OF THE SITUATION IN IRAQ BY ANNOUNCING THE END OF AL QAEDA AS WE ONCE KNEW IT.' ALSO, YOU MIGHT HINT AROUND WITH, AND I CAME UP WITH THIS ANGLE, TOO--EXCUSE ME,DAMN, KATIE, YOU'RE SOMETIMES LOOKING A LITTLE WRINKLY--I HOPE I DIDN'T WASTE ANOTHER GOB OF MILLION BUCKS ON YOU LIKE I WASTED A GOB ON THAT BROWN BOMBING BRYANT GUMBALL--WHERE'S HE NOW, BY THE WAY, GANG?--YEAH, YOU GUESSED IT, IN OBSCURITY, BUT ANYWAY, I'M THINKING, HOW 'BOUT WE MAKE BIN LADEN INTO A HIGHLY DECORATED CIA AGENT WHO HAS BEEN UNDERCOVER ALL THESE YEARS GETTING US INFORMATION ABOUT THE REALLY REALLY REAL AL QAEDA, THE AL QAEDA OF THE LATE ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI AND THAT BLIND EGYPTIAN CALIPH AND THAT BIN LADEN'S FAMILY UNDER THE DIRECTION OF PRINCE BANDAR BUSH AND THE DUBAI PORT AUTHORITY WILL COLLECTIVELY WIN THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE THIS YEAR FOR RIDDING THE WORLD OF AL QAEDA, EVEN THOUGH THE WAR ON TERRORISM MUST GO ON--LIKE A BANNER HEADLINE THAT SAYS, 'IRAN HERE COMES FREEDOM ON THE MARCH!' GOD, I LIKE THAT. DAMN, I'M GOOD. COM'YERE, KATIE, DARLING, AND LET'S GO OVER YOUR CURVES, ER-AH, OF COURSE I MEAN 'YOUR LINES'...TO HELL WITH THE CHEERLEADER COSTUME...HOW 'BOUT JUST YOU, YOURSELF, AND YOUR BODY STARK NAKED, KATIE! NAKED NEWS WITH KATIE "BILLIONAIRE" COURIC--IT'LL BREAK ALL OF DAN RATHER'S RATINGS RECORDS! I'M A GENIUS, RIGHT KENNETH?
It's all coming down now to troops being brought home around election time after these new Iraqi round-up forces, this suddenly from out of nowhere highly trained 50,000-man Iraqi-commanded-and-controlled army/police force that is routing out and killing "insurgents" by the dozens in this massive new sweeping of victory as it sweeps out the evil of Al Qaeda, going on since Commander Georgie Porgie made his surprise 5-hour visit to the Green Zone. Wonder what this little asshole offered this 3rd duly unelected puppet Iraqi president to get him to stop his stupid releasing of prisoners and talking about holding American soldiers responsible for killing Iraqi citizens. Georgie and Unka Dick threw a couple'a million monkey wrenches into that little act of Iraqi snootiness. Probably millions in fresh-printed bales of worthless inflated US dollar bills, delivered on loading platforms by the CIA bankers-in-general in their huge transport planes that belong to the CIA air force--"Here go, boys, help yourselves. Hey, Mohamad, reach in there and get yourself a couple'a million of free geetus for you and your insurgent wife and children who we captured last night, you traitorous towelhead, sand-n.... We have to cut it short; I'm getting too Amurican here.
for The Daily Growler
A Daily Growler Sports Extra With Sportsman Deluxe and Expert Snipe Hunter, Marv Backbiter
OK, I kicked England off my interesting teams after Trinidad and Tobago made asses of them. France, too; F them; they suck. My Ecuador came through easily against Costa Rica. Argentina, I concede, goes in there after they 500-lb bombed the lowlife Serbia-Montenegro team. I thought those countries hated each other. Italy and Spain are still hanging in there. The lousy USA has one more chance; they have to beat Italy Sunday; yeah sure. If they beat Italy, I will order one of languagehat's toughest-to-eat hats and eat it like a ravenous wolf right out in front of some public stockade.
So here's our picks:
Italy, still hot
Spain, score a lot of goals when they're on
Ecuador, hanging in there; haven't played anybody any good yet.
Mexico, oh no, they were doing so good then they ran into Angola--0-0--no good, senores o senoras y senoritas o hijos y hijas.
I haven't seen Portugal. They say the Czechs are good, but I couldn't tell by the way they smeared the USA.
I told you Togo looked like a house a'fire in the first period against South Korea and then suddenly in the second period they fell face first in a mountain of elephant dung and South Korea came alive like they'd found a jug of steroid-laden wild eel juice in the locker room and it turned them into a whole new team. It seems between periods, the Togo prime minister announced he had decided not to pay the team, which upset all the players to the point they got to bitchin' and moanin' and shootin' the finger to the world and they said they didn't any longer give a shit about winning the World Cup, which the team witch doctor had predicted before the South Korean game. The witch doctor was stranded in Lome, Togo, and didn't make the game. That probably had something to do with their lose. Their coach, he looked like an Afrikaner, quit the team at the end of the game in siding with the players. I suppose he too was told he wasn't going to get paid. So, it was Togo's first ever appearance in the World Cup and, by God, they looked great to me. They handcuffed the goofy SOUTH Koreans in that first period and now we know why they got pure sucky in the second period...they had no witch doctor. I'm sentimentally cheering for the South Koreans since I live amongst them and find them fine folks, except they are too to accept Westernized Jesus Christ as their personal savoir (from what I don't know), no matter if he's one of them and wearing a cheap off-the-rack Korean suit.
Germany...I still don't like them in spite of their still being a threat, beating the Paraguayans though they shouldn't have.
Interleague play going on in baseball. I don't know. It seems popular, but it seems a waste of time and games they could be playing against their own division teams, too. Yankees are down in big huge RFK stadium in Washington, getting beat by the Nats, though they have the bases loaded and Jeter coming up as I type this.
The Mets were losing to Baltimore last I heard. How embarrassing to lose to the Baltimore Orioles when you're one of the best teams in baseball. That's baseball, however. You never know in baseball. You may can be pretty sure Tampa Bay ain't gonna be in the World Series but you can't depend on that. Look at the Florida Marlins's phenomenal success the year they easily won the World Series. Look at Detroit this year. Who the hell could have known?
Jeter walked. Game is tied. I love Yankee games. They last right down until that fat lady starts to bellow. [Yankees won the game in the bottom of the eighth; then Mariana shut 'em out in the top of the ninth. What a game! 7-5.]
I'm watching baseball. No more soccer until tomorrow. I may even watch the USA get their asses drubbed again.
When does Togo play again?
for The Daily Growler
wood s lot ran thegrowlingwolf's post in tribute to Eric Satie using the musical knowledge of some old writings by Virgil Thomson. wood s lot is a tremendously cool site. How this dude does it everyday amazes us. He gets a Daily Growler statue of honor (a potato chip that looks like Bob Dylan when he was an author; anyone remember Tarantula? What a piece of crap; sorry, Bob; I love you as a musician but not as a writer). Go to wood s lot, you can get it googling it. We can't make it link--we are not sufficiently interpretive enough to figure it out.