Friday, July 18, 2008

Winning! The Ultimate Essential

Ah to Be Privileged!
We were so thrilled here at The Daily Growler to see a sweet white judge has excused Tatum O'Neal her crack habit here in New York City yesterday (Thursday)--she was recently busted buying cocaine out on the street outside her fabby Lower East Side hi-rise LUXURY apartment--a fact that was mentioned over and over in the teevee spots about her arrest--LUXURY, what a beautiful word to the privileged--except luxury to white trash like Tatum O'Neal means anything wrapped in tinfoil and with a designer label on it, especially those tinfoil-wrapped hits of designer coke--"Hey, come on, I'm Hollywood's Tatum O'Neal, I've gotta right to buy my rocks outside my luxury hi-rise apartment--my ole man's a privileged trip, too--he's had his privileged bouts with driving drunk and hittin' some lines, too--oh, I'm Tatum O'Neal and I'm privileged--I can't go to no stinking prison like a common N-worder." So the judge said society needed Tatum to be free so she can go on enjoying her privileged life and sentenced her to like 1 hour of drug rehabilitation and then she can go on her merry coke-sniffing way--back to the good life--little Tatum--I mean, come on, even John McEnroe, a stuck up Long Island prick, couldn't handle Tatum. While Tatum was given her privileged sentence, 3 black dudes and 3 or 4 black females were sent up the river under New York State's draconian Rockefeller drug laws for 25 to life ("Oh, gracious, " Tatum said, "I don't know how those N-worders do those kind of black sentences--why, I could never let that happen to me--where's my Hollywood attorney!")--and you think privileged-up-the-ass Nelson Rockefeller, the mad man of Attica and creator of the Rockefeller Drug Laws, didn't do drugs? Here's a man who died in his fabby East Side luxury apartment--hell he owned the building--getting his gnarly old dick sucked by two chicks, one a black chick who later rose to become a PBS board member and one that white chick who suddenly up and moved to California with a new mink coat and a new career as a journalist or some such bullshit.

We watched with glee the spouting of such praise for the privileged little Aussie drug addict who's in the new Batman movie--this little prick OD'ed in his fabby New York City luxury hotel room while his knocked-up model girlfriend was doing her snorting in her fabulous luxury Village apartment--and one of the privileges of Hollywood's male crowd--all the booty your coked-up condition allows you to knock up--as some old Hollywood philanderer, like William Holden, once said, "Being an even a half-ass actor in Hollywood means you're gonna bang your nuts off 'fore your career tanks." William Holden had the privilege of busting Grace Kelley's prize luxury cherry! Now there's a privileged man!

And speaking of privileged people, how 'bout old gnarly 55-year-old Greg Norman, the Aussie golfer, who though always ranked as #1 Great White Hope (he called himself the Great White Shark), he could never win the big ones--he lost 4 major playoffs--but, hey, this old gnarly Aussie, now living as an Amurican privileged and swell in his luxury Florida sporty type house--nailing tennis's Chrissy Everett as his latest bang! I guess he dumped his prize wife and toehead kids he used to trot out at all his close losses--and in Chrissy, the Shark says he's found a new reason for winning, new true love in bangin' and then marrying Chrissy Everett, the grand dame tennis star who lost her cherry--we'd be totally ashamed of this ourselves--to, argggghhhhh! Geraldo Rivera. Think of the old White Shark mounting the aging Chrissy and then suddenly seeing Geraldo shakin' his speckled dick in his face in mockery! "Hey, Aussie golfer, I fucked her first!" Geraldo Rivera, the Puerto Rican once revolutionary Young Lord now turned coke-head fop and privileged asshole--he's been married at least 4 or 5 times--each time claiming, "This one is for sure." In one of his many "tell-all" bestsellers, he admits to being a heavy cocaine user and woman abuser and SEX ADDICT during his heyday, this man of the great Al Capone's buried treasure scam--remember the big scene of the great Geraldo with the sledge hammer cracking that old safe open and finding nothing in it but a pair of old soiled men's underwear--Al Capone's shorts maybe--wait a minute, those look like Puerto Rican brownie footprints in those shorts! Also Geraldo's the gentleman who while poor old Jacob Javitts was in the next room in his wheel chair on his oxygen machine and his dialysis machine was banging Mrs. Javitts in the next room, with the door opened, too--"OHHHHHH, Geraldo!" And through his cancer kazoo, Jacob was heard to ask, "Oh, honey, is that the Geraldo Show you're watching in there?" "I'm not watching the Geraldo Show, Jake, I am the Geraldo Show--oh give it to me PR hard, you Latino bastard!"

Ah, the privileged. Ain't life grand for them! Winners all. It's really easy to become a winner--first of all note that all that's white is good--including China White and white-powder cocaine! Most privileged Hollywood clowns are doing coke or certainly marijuana as we type on this issue--they are certainly wild-ass drinkers and philanderers, partying heartily and fuckin' wildly and then drunk on their asses getting in their luxury automobiles and speeding off into those wild Hollywood nights--oops, "I'm Halle Berry and I just ran over a pedestrian! Call my Hollywood attorney, quick!" "Hey, I'm Matthew Broderick and though I killed a couple of people in Ireland when I was driving my BMW going 80 or 90, nothing happened to me, but, hey, I'm privileged, so I beat that rap." "Hey, I'm privileged Hollywood director Roman Polanski and I can only fuck underage girls, I prefer 12 year olds--come on, they consent! The USA, the stupid USA, doesn't understand that a privileged Polish asshole like me has to have my chicken pie, dammit! So, hey, I'm privileged, I up and moved to France where I can fuck 12-year-olds all I want...come here, my little chickie!" "Hey, I'm Paris Hilton. I'm so rich, I can drive drunk without a license--oh no, Mommy, Daddy, these assholes are sending me to a dirty fucking filthy jail--like, why can't I serve my time at my fabby Beverly Hills house?" "Hey, I'm Robert Blake. So I shot that whore who had my baby! So what! I'm privileged, even though at best, I'm a third-rate Grade B actor--but dammit, I'm privileged!" "Hi, efferybody, I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger, tit-groper, 'wanna see my big Nazi dick?' kinda kidder, pot-smoker, steroid-using stupid-ass body builder--and look at me now, Governor of Callie-forn-y-ah and married to a hot Kennedy bitch--you talk about privilege!" And they're all winners whether they win or lose.

And one quick blast at Obama. What the hell's he doing in Afghanistan? What the hell's he going to Iraq for? And how come these privileged politician assholes just fly in and out of Afghanistan and Iraq at will it seems--even the politicking women go there often--McCain's already been to Iraq half a dozen times--and why when these privileged protected assholes go to these places don't they come back saying we should get the hell out of these places! How could you go to Kabul and not be scared out of your wits? But, oh no, Obama goes and gets the royal treatment in terms of 30 or 40 cops around him constantly--and then he got himself ensconced in the Afghan Royal Palace--and then he's gonna talk to Karsai about the situation there--and then he's going to talk to our military leaders there (oh yeah, good move, Obama, you'll get the true picture from those birds). Such grandstanding bullshit. Because Obama now sees he's moved into the privileged class for good--millions upon millions of big bucks are coming his way--look for him to suddenly not go to that South Side barbershop anymore--it's $400 haircut time now for the privileged Obama. Look what the New Yorker did to your ass, Obama--you're gonna face a lot of that kind'a shit now that your hi-rise, luxury privileged! And after all the bullshit about how much money Obama is raising, the press then hits you with the statement--true or false, it doesn't matter to our privileged pundits--that people consider John McCain the more logical commander in chief than Obama--oh holy hell--and then, here's another word from the rightwing press, of all the people Obama has to choose from for his vice-president, polled Amuricans feel Colon's Pal would be Obama's best running mate! How utterly and forelornly stupid are Americans! The stupidiest people in the world right now--and we include ourselves in this mix.

for The Daily Growler
Outstanding privileged Americans! Hey, Chrissie, are those tits headed toward the floor?
"Hey, you're not putting those cuffs on me! I'm Hollywood's privileged child, Tatum O'Neal. I been doin' coke since I was 5. Daddy said there was nothing wrong with that!"
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Tatum's ole Pappy. "Hey, I been doin' coke and drivin' drunk since I was 5! What the fuck's wrong with that! Hey, I may have even done, well, we'd better not get into that, but dammit, I'm privileged enough I could have done my own daughter--it ain't nothin' new here in Hollywood."

"Beisbol Has Been Good to Me!": A Special Report From marvelousmarvbackbiter

This is what Jerry Manuel is saying every night in his hotel room or at home--before that he's saying, "Holy Shit, Praise the Lard and pass the frijoles y arroz con pollo, I knew I was a better manager than Willie the N Worder. Thank you, Omar, for saving my fired-from-the-White-Sox ass! Mi hombre santo!" I apologize to Jerry who actually speaks fine English but come on, something's fishy with that team. It's the same team that started the year so-so but never that far out of first place--like when they fired Willie Randolph, they weren't that far out of first--plus everybody who's followed that division for years know the Phillies falter at some time during the year--just as American League East Division fans know Tampa Bay is going to eventually drop like a rock thrown into an empty swimming pool. [By the way, I saw an interesting news item about West Nile disease on the increase in California because of so many foreclosures on homes with swimming pools out there and the foreclosed bastards who lose their homes to the predator banks are leaving their swimming pools full and the stagnant water is attracting tons of mosquitoes thus the increase in West Nile cases--true or not, it makes sense to I who have lived in Arizona and California and know every son of a bitch in both those states has a swimming pool in their yard and a golf course only a block or two away--so many golf courses and swimming pools in the Phoenix-Tucson area that they've changed the weather patterns out in that otherwise furnace-like desert area--temperature yesterday in Phoenix was 115.] So it seems Omar Minaya was absolutely right about Willie Randolph being a nonSpanish-speaking bum. Omar started out as a scout for the Texas Rangers and then Steve Phillips, then the Mets General Manager, brought Omar to New York as his assistant. Then Omar left the Mets and became General Manager of the weirdo Montreal Expos, a team eventually owned by MLB during their final gasping year--when they played their games in Puerto Rico. Soon, the Mets decided they wanted Omar back. Omar was born in the Dominican Republic though he grew up in Queens, New York. When Omar took over as GM of the Mets (Omar, by the way, played his only pro baseball in Italy!), many saw his intent was to turn the Mets into a Latino wonder team--his first big acquisitions being his pal Pedro Martinez, a Dominicano, and Carlos Beltran--then, of course, this year he made the big trade that got them Santana--I mean look at the players he brought to the Mets--here's the lineup that was used in the Mets's tenth win in a row!

J. Reyes, SS
E. Chavez, RF
D. Wright, 3B
C. Beltran, CF
D. Easley, 2B
C. Delgado, 1B
F. Tatis, RF
B. Schneider, C
J. Santana, P

Omar couldn't get rid of Wright--he's the great white hope on the Latino Mets. Brian Schneider, a good ballplayer, he got from the Washington Nothings (er-ah, I mean Nationals) for nothing, the Nats always along with Tampa Bay one of the worst teams in baseball. Damon Easley, too, was just too good a ballplayer to pass up. Next to the USA, the next country with the largest amount of baseball players currently playing MLB is the Dominican Republic:

It looked like Fred Wilpon wanted Willie Randolph as manager and not Omar. Willie's big mistake: he won his National League division, but couldn't take the Latino Mets to the big show--the Colorado "Lowlife" Rockies beat 'em all--not only did the Mets suck in the playoffs but so did all the other National League wonder teams, like the Cardinals, like the Florida Marlins, like the Philadelphia Phillies. Willie fucked up. Willie didn't win! You don't win, you're fired, that's the law of the game. That's the law of living in the USA; if you aren't a winner, you're a loser, it's as simple as that. MLB managers get fired on a regular basis--then they get hired on a regular basis--both leagues are full of fired managers--Lou Pinella, for instance, how many teams has he "almost" gotten there?--except Tampa Bay, which was a very foolish move for Lou, though in a way Lou is still owned by the Yankee Organization, which, as every loyal Steinbrenner hater knows is headquartered really in Tampa--that's where George keeps his race horses--all losers, too.

I found it heartening during the too-long All-Star Game to see George "Almost Alzheimer's" Steinbrenner being wheeled out in a golf cart to such praise--why, you'd think this big roll of bologna was royalty of some kind--what he's done for these Yankees! In the background of the All-Star game rose up the new max tacky House that George Built at an overrun cost of multimillions of dollars--a stadium being designed especially for corporate baseball fans--the luxury box crowd. For the average good-timer baseball fan, let's say he or she has say two toehead boys, now to take those tykes to a Yankee or Met game will cost Baseball Joe upwards of $100 for three general admission tickets--plus the tykes are going to want a couple of overpriced dirty-water hotdogs and dad will want a couple of $10 beers--let's say, before dad and the tykes get back to Manhattan on the subway, dad will spend near $150 for one trip to the ballgame. Mayor Giuliani, however, is privileged--he gets a field-side box for any game he wishes to go to at Yankee Stadium--did you see his privileged ass at the All-Star Game?

Anyway, the irony of all of this is which new manager is doing the best now out of Manuel, Girardi and Torre, and when you look it up, you see it's old Joe Torre, the loser-manager who just happened to be the winningest Yankee manager ever--just on that ground we'd a fired Joe had we been Steinbrenners. Last night (two days ago) beat the Diamondbacks and is now tied for first place in his division. Go Joe. Joe had already been in first place all alone for one game a week ago. Manuel has tied Phillies for first place but lost last night, first loss in 11 games, so the Mets are back in second a game behind the foldin' Phillies. The Yankees are 5 behind the BoSox and T-Bay--Joe Girardi hasn't been closer than 5 yet! All three teams's problems are still pitching! The Yankees's GM just bought a bum, Sexson, from the Seattle Mariners--a .215 hitter. His reasoning: the guy bats .300 hitting right handed! Yet his batting average, you baseball-dumb midget (my apologies to the little people who read this blog), is .215. The Yankees GM has determined they need right handed hitters! Duh!

It's all about winning. The pitchers HAVE to win. The hitters have to win every game for the winning pitchers! The managers HAVE to win. Even I everyday of my life wake up knowing I'd better win today or else life might fire me.

This year's strangely wavering New York City baseball year has left me exhausted--I tried being a Mets fan, but then they fired Willie Spanish-style--in the middle of the night--while Willie was in his hotel room after winning a ballgame and thinking his job was safe--that's what Senor Omar had said in "plain" English the day before--except in Spanish, Willie was fired a week before already. Jerry Manuel in the meantime is making the sign of the cross before every game--he knows after he loses three in a row now, Omar will be scratching his ass and his head at the same time looking for a new hombre to replace Jerry Manuel--they still call him "interim" manager.

for The Daily Growler

1 comment:

Marybeth said...

That was a good old-fashioned rant from top to bottom. Yeah!