Existing in New York City: Gotta Learn How to Think Like a Republican

Into the Republican Mind
Hi, y'all.  I'm Crispy Chris Righteous (not my real name), a representative from the great Confederate State of...er-ah, what'd I say? Well, dammit, it is a Confederate State, by God, and I proudly call the great State of South Carolina a Confederate state.  That rebel spirit still lives on in our souls.  In our WHITE souls, I might also proudly add, 'cause after all, folks, it was rich White folks, rich White plantation moguls, rich conniving representatives of both Dutch and British private equity and joint venture companies that set this country on its amazing course to rising from a British colony that had been civilized by God-fearing and God-ordained Fundamentalist Christian exiles.  Like the brave and wily Puritans and Pilgrims and their believing that God had sent them to this great land to civilize it, to save it from the wildness of the savages who fought madly like wild dogs over the exploitations meant as a gift from the God Jehovah to the coming civilized and God-fearing humble but meanly sincere White men...er-ah, I don't mean to leave the gals out here, but as we men all know, some of the gals need civilizing worse than the worse savage Indian. [He waits for the guffawing laughter to die down.]

With the Republicans kicking ass in the recent midterm elections, I was swept to a big victory over my Communist-Socialist-Democrat-Terrorist-Asskissing opponent, that bitch, Mary Peeples, a lying dog protester who'll protest anything to get her mug in the media, especially on television where she tried to use her perky carnal appearance, and granted she is a perky little piece of charm, to make a monkey out of me, but with the help of God and the good White citizens of Poll Tax County, South Carolina, I put her in her place...and I wanna thank our gracious Secretary of State for removing 20,000 nigger votes...er-ah, what'd I say now?  Did I say nigger?  I said 'Knee-grow'--in yore prejudiced mind I said nigger, but in reality I said knee-grow, a proper White way of pronouncing that designation...why, hell, folks, I gotta admit I likes knee-grows.  They can be very funny characters sometimes, but, on the other hand, they can be some contrary sons'a bitches, too...and, dammit, folks, I'm sorry, but if you see a knee-grow teen in one of them defiant hoodies, you damn right, you stand your ground just as our White hero George Zimmerman did, 'cause over in the great southern State of Florida you can legally carry a concealed weapon...hey, folks, I carry one, and so does my wife, and I'll tell you the truth, I wish I could give my two boys, 12 and 14, sidearms so they could protect themselves from these crazy Islamic bastards who under the edicts of Mohammed are out to kill all Americans.  So I say, if they're out to blow you away, you blow them away first.  That's the American way.  That's how the White people were able to conquer this savage land and civilize it.  Why, hell, folks, look how we civilized our faithful slaves.  Look at that snooty, dichty, nose-in-the-air Obama, a nigger man...er-ah, what say?  I said nigger.  My friend, what've I gotta do to convince you knee-grow sounds like nigger to you.  Let's change the subject anyway.

Let's talk about why rich folks shouldn't pay one god-damn dime in taxes. [There are "Amens" reverberating through the audience.] Rich people are our mentors.  They are rich because they are smarter than the average Bubba and some of the best of them, like the Koch Brothers and Warren Buffett, both Middle-American, Silent-Majority true Capitalists, were Bubbas who pulled themselves up by their bootstraps. These are the same bootstraps that the family of that great Neo-Con president, the great and spiteful G.W. Bush, pulled themselves up by...OK, so the family got beaucoup rich taking care of Adolph Hitler's finances.  Hitler, by the way, wasn't as bad a guy as the communists, socialists, secularists, and atheists have made him out to be...plus, my fellow White folks, there's no real proof there was such a thing as this so-called Holocaust.  Even if there was a Holocaust, the Jews brought it on themselves.  Do I hear an 'Amen' on that?  [Multitudes of Amens fill the room.]

Back in the glorious days before left-wing LBJ forced the Civil Rights Act on us, we called those left-wingers who came down to the South and tried to enforce that Civil Rights Act on us "outside agitators," which is exactly what they were.  All protesters are ninnies, cowards, left-wingers, communists, atheists, coming from another part of the country, usually the North, Yankeeland, New York City (Jew York City), to agitate against the things that made the South great.  First of all, the Old South had the cheapest labor there is in a Capitalist society: slavery.  You see, folks, there's nothing wrong with slavery when it's working.  Most great civilizations were built on the backs of slaves, mainly nigger...er-ah, knee-grows.  You see, folks, we White Christians know from reading and studying God's word, the Holy Christian Bible, that the Sons and Daughters of Ham, Noah's son who looked upon his father's nakedness, a mortal sin in those days, according to God's laws, which are the only laws I respect, would be servants to the White man for eternity.  They were banned by God to suffer living in what is now Ethiopia.  Old Christians used to call Niggertowns out of respect for Biblical fairness, Ethiopiantowns.

I got into Libertarianism after meeting Ludwig Von Mises in Alabama and what a great thinker he was.  On coming to the US, he was considered a liberal in Austria, but convinced that liberalism was too close to socialism and communism, he found retreat in the John Birch Society and the teachings of Ayn Rand and then especially after meeting her, promoting her philosophy as a companion way of thinking with Libertarianism, of which Von Mises along with Frederick Hayak were the founders.  I consider these guys next to God.

Libertarianism believes that governments are unnecessary except for maintaining an army and a navy.  Each individual, according to Libertarians, is his own government, his property being his domain, his regulations of himself being the only regulations and "laws" he needs, because in practice, only the laws of the God are the laws he follows.

I'll end my statement by saying, and I think the majority of Americans agree with me, since we have the greatest armed forces ever known, why aren't we using them to their full power? I mean, folks, stop and think about it, one nuclear bomb dropped on the borders of Iraq, Syria, and Iran would solve that crisis in a matter of minutes.  Remember, how tough the Japs were until we creamed 'em with a couple of A-bombs and think how many lives we'd save by eliminating that Middle-East cesspool of Islamic fanatics.  Just my thoughts but I think most Americans secretly agree with me.  I mean, why have these weapons if we're not going to use them?

I must admit, I'm a radical Republican, a Libertarian first, a Conservative always.  What's best for this country is discipline.  Why should an employer, for instance, be responsible for his workers' health?  Should the workers on their own provide their own health care?  And this Social Security mess, too.  Shouldn't old people provide for their own retirement?  Successful people don't need Social Security only the poor and unhealthy need it and I say, hey, pull yourself up by your own bootstraps; that's what made this country great. [A standing and long applause is heard throughout the hall.]

Crispy Chris Righteous (not my real name)
for The Daily Growler