I find it extremely fun to watch the talk in Congress going on over Roger Clemens, a stupid baseball player who married a trophy blonde who's heavily into working out just like all babes in the USA who think they're hot and potential "millionaire" grabbers and as everybody "knows," steroids and growth hormones are easily obtainable in the thousands of workout salons around the country--ask the Governor of California about steroid use in bodybuilding. Check out the male and female bodies on the phony wrestling shows--and especially check out the body of the owner of the World Wrestling (Federation) Entertainment, Vince McMahon; he was originally a skinny runt like most of the men in his family (a Rasslin' family that goes way way back), now he's a puffed up looking hulk of a man with muscles even in his forehead. These guys gobble steroids like salted peanuts--come on; yet these big jerks go on making millions off their diaper-wearing google-eyed fans unhindered by the Acts of Congress. But poor old Roger Clemens. They're out to get his ass; they want to wipe this poor bastard's records off the books (he won over 300 games and 7 Cy Young Awards and helped Boston, Toronto, and New York American League teams attain both World Series championships and yearly playoff chances thanks to his winning over 20 games a year for a lovely number of years). When he came to the Yankees the first time, he starred and helped Joe Torre, the greatest living baseball manager, by the way, take the Yankees to a record number of playoff chances and World Series championships. He then LIED to the Yankee fans and George Steinbrenner by saying he was retiring for good only to turn up a while later in Houston saying he wasn't retiring after all and instead was signing with the Astros--and not only that, but since the Yankees weren't willing to deal fairly with their winningest pitcher that year, Andy Pettite, touted by the way as almost a brother to Roger, Andy was following Roger to Houston and there was joy in Houston and the families were doing a lot of home time together, Houston was home for both of them, and the Astros were setting Enron (yep, named after Kenny Boy Lay's crooked energy company) Field up for the coming World Series they would surely be in with two great Yankee pitchers joining the team. Of course that move proved kind'a wrong for both Roger and Andy. Andy injured himself down there and Roger wasn't really that brilliant, though he was still able to pitch brilliant games every now and then. Finally, year before last, Roger again said he was retired for good and Andy decided he wanted to be a Yankee again and that's how it turned out, with Andy coming back to the Yankees after being away for several years and a couple of injuries.
Now here's what all New York Yankees true fans know about George Steinbrenner--he loves hiring old has-been pitchers--Doc Gooden for example--going on the legend that you put a dwindling star in a Yankee uniform and it rebuilds his confidence and he debuts and he's really shit though Steinbrenner has PR'd him to where he's smelling like roses--and in his Steinbrenner-rejuvenation-process, Doc Gooden did pitch a no-hitter as a Yankee but that was about it. Soon Doc was back doing cocaine in Tampa.
Steinbrenner tried his same rejuvenation scheme 4 years ago with Randy Johnson, once the greatest pitcher in both leagues--why he had just led Arizona to a World Series, the desert rattlers once a low-life worthless team that came in dead last with the Colorado Rockies every year until they got Johnson and Curt Simmons; yet, Arizona was willing to let both these guys go for big bucks, which Steinbrenner gave them for Johnson and the Red Sox gave them for Simmons. Johnson was an embarrassing failure as a Yankee though he still pitched the Yankees into the World Series and he did win 19 games his worse season, but it was obvious he was becoming a bum and ready for the old pitcher's home.
And last year, right in the middle of a season that was getting back on track thanks to the solid managing of Joe Torre, Steinbrenner out of nowhere, without discussing it with Torre, brings Roger Clemens out of retirement with a huge big bonus wad of George's "free" money he makes off Yankees television rights and concession rights, much more monies than ticket sales rake in, though George has managed to raise ticket prices every year he's owned the Yanks and now with the new corporate-named Yankee Stadium there will be even fewer general admission tickets and, of course, their prices will be astronomical, like $55 a game (I'm exaggerating on purpose). [George recently changed the name of Legends Field, the Yankees long-time spring training camp ball field in Tampa-Saint Petersburg (George lives in Tampa by the way and not New York), to Steinbrenner Field. It originally was Al Lang Field.]
So Roger comes out of retirement and joins the Yankees staff--burdening Joe with yet another unreliable pitcher--I mean Joe had a whole staff of totally unreliable pitchers all last year including their best winner, Ching Ming Wang (sic), who pitches an almost no-hitter one game and then gives up 7 runs in the 1st inning in his next game--I mean Joe Torre last year put together a miraculous year for the Yankees, bringing them back from the lowest start ever for a Yankees team, while the team was hitting offensively way over .300, leading the league in hits and home runs; yet, the pitching staff was so full of bush league minor leaguers and bad-armed old pros this powerful hitting team struggled in the win column, though eventually through absolutely wondrous win streaks and heart-stopping close games, the Yankees were able to actually at one time TIE the Boston Red Sox for first place after sweeping the BoSox 5 games only to go to Tampa and lose 4 in a row; then to Baltimore to lose 3 in a row--the pitchers totally crashing suddenly near the end of August, Wang and Mussina the worst. Still the Yankees made the playoffs--and then Steinbrenner suddenly drunkenly announces Joe either wins the playoffs and the World Series or he's FIRED. Joe was devastated. You could see it in his frustrated face, that puzzling look, a look of defeat, since he knew he was having to depend on a true second-rate pitching staff that I think Joe knew down deep was going to let him down. The team by the playoffs was depending on the tons of bush league all-star pitchers who were totally unproven, especially the naive Jabo Chamberlain , a bumbling big lout who can throw a ball 100 mph and started off like a whirlwind, winning 3 in a row without giving up a hit, etc., but who eventually cost the Yankees any chance of winning the playoffs when he stupidly kept ptiching while fighting off a bunch of silly Cleveland gnats and kept pitching when he should have called time and refused to pitch anymore--yeah, OK, Joe fucked up, too; he could have stopped the game, but, no, the Yanks were winning and on a streak and then, BOOM, they pounded the "overblown" Jabo, and then pounded Mariano Rivera, and that was it for the Joe Torre Yankees.
Suddenly then after the winds had blown over and Joe Torre signed with the (god-damn) Los Angeles Dodgers (who are leaving Los Angeles--have you heard that one!--and look out Mets wherever the Dodgers end up--Joe manages just like Willie!)--there was formed this Mitchell Study of Steroid Use in Major League Baseball and Mitchell's big catch was Roger Clemens and his little dick buddy Andy Pettite--"These two players used steroids like motherfuckers for their final has-been careers and we think that is just awful, such a smear on pure, honest Major League Baseball, an entity declared by Congress to be a US citizen just like you and me"--you see, MLB can't be accused of being a monopoly! Anyway, they went after Roger like piranhas after a strong-current-swept-away cow--and Roger, being the dumb-ass ballplayer he is, denied, denied, denied--and on one charge, he laid it off on his wife--she was taking growth hormones not him! Then Steinbrenner got to Pettite and told him you wanna continue as a Yankee then you'd better turn on that asshole Clemens, which Coward Andy did. Coward Andy turned on the pitcher who worked with him like a big brother and taught him how to be a champion pitcher and their families became close, and Andy and Roger got close enough to maybe one night while drinking beers in Roger's fabulous basement pleasure room Roger gets a little loose you know and he says maybe, "Hell, Andy, why you worried about taking those growth hormone pills of your dying daddy; hell, I did some with my trophy wife--shit, man, you can get all you want of that shit from my personal trainer (another salon-type workout trainer)--shit, you can even get steroids from that bastard. You ever done 'roids, Andy?" "No, man, have you?" "Maybe! Who the fuck knows." So Andy, with his purest and most honest baby face on, turned on his pal and called him a fucking liar and Andy came out of it clean as a whistle, back on the Yankee squad (he's a bum and won't have a good year, but what the fuck, he's still pitching MLB ball and he can have a big retirement game this year and get a new car and the Steinbrenner son (what a hillbilly goofball Hank is) will talk about what a great Yankee Andy is and soon there'll be one of those tacky plaques to Andy in the New Yankee Stadium of Overpriced Luxury Boxes ("Welcome Asian Rim Businessmen")--and Matsui should be a bum this year--and Johnny Damon--and I'm afraid those prime-meat amateur pitchers they're gonna depend on may not turn out so swell--I don't see any of those minor-league wonders making it--I mean, come on, three of these bums never even had to pitch in Double A ball, coming to the Yankees straight from Single A ball--so amateur, the Yankees hired these bums's minor league pitching coach as the new Yankee pitching coach (the Yankees have always hired controversial pitching coaches). Also, Carl Pavanno is back working out with the team. What a waste of money Pavanno was. And Mariano Rivera--OK, he's a wonder, but last year he showed more flaws than ever--and Joe Gerardi? It's a lot different managing the Yankees than it is the Florida Marlins--ask Lou Pinella about that--hell, ask Joe Torre about that--Joe Torre is the guy who put his faith in Joe Gerardi as a back-up catcher, his claim to fame as a ballplayer--and what managerial abilities he picked up he picked up from Joe Torre and Willie Randolph. My prediction, Joe Gerardi, acting tough and independent right now, will crash by mid-year; if he does succeed and make a fool out of me, then I'll concede and take back all I said about Steinbrenner and I'll hope they throw Roger in the slammer for 25 years with no chance at parole. How dare that stupid baseball player LIE to Congress.
And that's the big fun I had yesterday. I mean I listened to all the hype about Clemens and oooohh-oooooooh he LIED to Congress and that's a felony and carries with it some slammer time. Then I listened to our LYIN' DOG, professional LIAR, phony, never-elected "president"--who LIED us into the WAR WITH IRAQ--now becoming the most expensive WAR since WWII--more expensive in terms of injuries to casualties (2 to 1 in WWII; 7 to 1 in this WAR), too--and I listened to this expert lyin' son of a lyin' dog and bitch (remember Pappy's big lie, "Read my lips!") stand before Congress and first say the economy is doin' jest fine and dandy--reiterating that the War in Iraq was good for the economy--in terms of materials needed and the jobs created by having to manufacture those war materials! Then he said, "Recession? Naw, come on, you fools, there's no recession; why there's not even any evidence of a recession." [Was that a LIE?] I'm thinking, reasoning, see, "Wait a minute. Roger Clemens lied to Congress about something as stupid as to whether or not he took 'not illegal' drugs and the 'president' point-blank-out-and-out bald-face lies right in Congress's face and nobody seems concerned about that, especially those lyin' sons of bitches in Congress." And who says Roger LIED to Congress when he simply followed the principles of American law (you can't convict yourself during interrogation) and denied, denied, denied. He perhaps should have followed the Administration's way of having to testify before Congress by just refusing to testify (read: Condo-Leasing Rice, Karl Rove, Unka Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Michael Jerk-Off (the head of Homeland Insecurity). So Roger Clemens, a much greater American in my book than G.W. Bush (look what Bush did to Arlington, Texas, citizens when he needed a new ballpark down there in order to bail himself out from under his losing-money ownership of the team--after the new stadium was built he suddenly sold the team for big bucks, a lot more than he'd paid for the team, which was practically given to him by Eddie Childs, an old friend of the Bush family), is facing some cell time while G.W. Bush goes on lyin' like a dog to Congress, to We the People--and what's the worst that's gonna happen to that worthless piece of crap? Why he's gonna get to retire with his full presidential salary, money for his own office and staff, plus money to help him build his library (with no books in it) on the campus of Southern Methodist University (though the students and alumni don't want it there--still it's big We the People's bucks for SMU, folks, and besides, Pickles is on the SMU Board), plus he gets Secret Service (SS) protection for the rest of his life, plus full-benefits healthcare, plus securing his faux ranch in Crawford--"Hey, wait a minute, how's an Olympic-size swimming pool a security measure?"--plus he'll get a 20 million dollar book contract from Judy Regan--hell, even Pickles will get a book contract--plus he'll get the big bucks on the lecture circuit, like he's already said he's gonna try. Sounds like a good life ahead for the most impeachable unimpeachable "president" in our long, crooked history of lousy presidents. Roger Clemens on the other hand? Things don't look too good for him. Look for his wife to probably divorce him, too. George Steinbrenner? Oh, he's gradually fading off into that Forest of Alzheimer like Moses, er-ah, I mean Charlton Heston.
I still love the game of baseball just not the politics of baseball. The politics of anything always ruins it--remember what Huey Newton said, "It's all politics, even our food."
for The Daily Growler