Monday, December 12, 2011

The Daily Growler Jots & Tittles Man Returns
From the Algae-Crammed Waters of Lake Flaccid, New York, Comes The Daily Growler Jots & Tittles Man: barabbas munn-dayne

And a hearty Winter Solstice to you one and all. This is the time of year you live off the profits you made from your abundant fall harvest. Fearing invasion and occupation of my cabin, I went into town yesterday to Aunt Milly's Tea Room and Backroom Gun Dealership and looked at pistols. I've got my shotgun still, but I don't know, I feel like I ought to have a pistol. I know...I know, I've been watching too much teevee here lately--and in the shows I've been watching everybody has a damn pistol or firearm of some sort, men and women, cops and criminals and terrorists, no matter. Also, I'm being affected by what's predicted coming our way. Like, according to some folks [and recent Growler posts], OK, so they're atheistic mad scientists and gurus and such, but anyway they're saying that as soon as next year we humans are gonna get hit by a herd-like galloping of solar flares (plasma) as the Sun, our true God, is at its maximum belly full in terms of its heat being turned up to maximum high, expanding its belly until it lets out a mighty burp--which propels out these flying tongues of flaming plasma and this time the storms created by this plasma blowing out into the universe are aimed directly at the good ole USA. Afterwards, these predictors say, there will be a Holy Disorderly Order of Chaos where we'll all be fighting over survival issues like food, water, safety, or vulnerability. I'd feel better in such a circumstance if I had an equalizer.

I know, conspiracy folks, fanatics, doomsday clowns...the end of human life as we know it coming--if not via solar-flare-plasma storms then by the Sumerian-predicted ancient planet's remains hitting us dead center--bull's-eye head on--and thus, as those Sumerian astronomers predicted, the human race will be exterminated.

I remember back when President and Alzheimer's Poster Boy Raygun Reagan, our grade B actor president, the Great Communicator, had his shaky finger on that red telephone in the oval office. The red telephone with the red button on it--isn't that the way it worked?--Ronnie hits that red button and Armageddon begins--and back then I imagined old Ronnie Reagan waking up in the middle of the night in a bit of an Alzheimer fog and imagining the Soviets had fired a missile at the White House--"Mommy, wake up, help me down to the Ovaltine office so I can get on that red phone and warn the Air Force, like I did in...Mommy, what was that movie where I was an Air Force hero?" "Oh, Ronnie, relax, take a shot of that Aricept, you've had another nightmare...what was it this time, that I was bangin' Frank Sinatra behind your back?" And in those days I was thinking, "Yes, Mr. President, you fool, go ahead, push the red button, end human life for ever"--and I wanted to be wide-eyed and bushy tailed when that big red glow appeared in the night sky marking the nuclear end to mankind. I want to witness the end of my kind. A world left to cockroaches.

Aunt Milly showed me the couple of handguns she had left. "They been hittin' me hard in the handgun department. I got some choice assault rifles over here if you'd rather." "No, Aunt Milly, I was thinking more like a Glock." "Tell you what I can do. I gotta contact in the New York City Military Police Department who obtains, that's the word he uses for it, me Glocks at way under wholesale." "What, are they hot?" "Naw, nothin' illegal. They're confiscated off Black guys, raids on Black hip-hop clubs, you know, those boys in blue have ways of gettin' 'em." "What do you get for a Glock?" "Tell ya, what, Barabbas, my boy, since I knew your mom and pop, tell ya what I can do, give me four-hundred smackers on this barrelhead here and I'll have you a Glock by next week. You'll want one around this time of year. Lotta truckers come through here lookin' for folks to kill as a hobby."

There was no arguing with Aunt Milly. That's why I didn't tell her there's no way she could have known my mother and father since not only have they never been up here but they've been dead 30 years now.

The passage of time is amazing to me. How slow time passes when we're young. How ironic is it that time passes faster the older we get--the closer we get to the end of our time.

My father and mother would not have approved of my getting a weapon. My dad always requoted over and over the cliche "if you own a pistol, one day you're gonna have to use it." Of course it's when you don't own one that you need one the most.

As I left Aunt Milly's through the tea room, she hollered after me, "If you need some trainin' on handlin' a Glock, I'm startin' a new firearms class next Wednesday night out at the Big Chief's Shootin' Range. Your Glock ought to be in by then so come on out. We have a ball shootin' our firearms out there, plus there's cold beer and a stick of salami and some brewer's bread from Uncle Don Shines's bakery over by Mount Vanhoevenberg."

As I was leaving the tea room, I noticed a sign on Aunt Milly's bulletin board. It said, "Remember, Dr. Donald Smedley's Pansies Are the Finest Pansies in These Parts for You Pansy Lovers."

I putted on back out to the lake and my cabin. Got cold as Hades over night up here. Temperature was 22 on my back porch early this morning. Winter up here is not bad. The lake doesn't smell as bad as it does in the summer--oh, it still smells, but the cold air keeps the smell low-level, like swamp gas stays hovering just above its watery surface. Getting lonely up here; I miss a woman. There, I've confessed on line. I haven't had a woman in my arms since Cecil the Dog Faced Boy III's sister visited up here from Florida...Jeez, speaking of time flying by...2 years ago now--and still, no one's heard a word from Cecil. His house is still boarded up--though some pranksters did paint swastikas all over the boards--why swastikas, nobody up here knows. Unless it's the Native Americans doin' it. Cecil wasn't Jewish, though, hell, maybe he was. I never even considered that.
Jots & Tittles

--It's hard to believe that Newtie Gingrich has suddenly rearisen back to the top of the GOP presidential ladder. Newt "the Family Man" Gingrich, a total phony wholly devoted to representing the Military Industrial Complex, Newtie's home district back in Gawjah being home to Martin-Marietta and Lockheed...or have they merged yet?...anyway, Newtie gets his millions of back-room payoffs every year from those big parasitical defense contractors who couldn't exist without We the People of the USA (the true 99%) surrendering one-quarter of our earnings (without ever seeing it) every year to the US government via the IRS out of which Congress just recently voted 600 billion to the Department of Defense. I mean can you imagine what 600 billion dollars looks like? And what it would buy in terms of getting us out of debt or putting those of us out of work back into some kind of wage-earning position, even if it's digging ditches or shoveling shit. Six hundred billion is ten times more billions than Little Billy Gates is worth or Old Good Ole Boy Warren Buffett is worth; why that's 5 times more than Gates and Buffett's combined billions. And you talk about a draft-dodging coward of a John McCain type; and, yes, like McCain, Newtie's a philanderer, a crook, a purveyor of fabulous reasoning (Palestinians are an invented people); yet, he is now being seriously discussed as a serious candidate on the commercial-pap teevee politico shows--and I'm sure Newtie was the center of conversation on all the Sunday morning politico (right-wing) shows.

--Obama showed up at the Army-Navy football game Saturday--those two second-rate college football teams playing 60 minutes of high-school football while the President did his photo op at midfield with Good Ole Joe, Joe Biden, just back from a junket to Iraq, tagging along, smiling, waving, everything hunkie-dory in their "we hit a gold-mine" lives. And then our compassionate president and second-term presidential candidate praised our fighting men and women for their brave victories against world terrorism--and I'm thinking, but wait a minute, Mister President, you mean you consider the invasions and occupations of Iraq and Afghanistan successes? How are our troops heroes? They were totally and feebly unsuccessful at stopping 20-plus drunk-the-night-before Saudi-Arabians wielding box-cutters as weapons from attacking us within our borders on September 11, 2001 and blowing down both World Trade Center architectural-tacky towers. Where were these American heroes that day? Obama may as well give the Medal of Honor to Commander in Chief George W. Bush who has to be a hero if our troopers are heroes.

--Did you ever wonder how many people die in automobile accidents every year in the USA? Here's the figures for 2007, from the Census Bureau:

Table 1067. Motor Vehicle Accidents—Number and Deaths: 2007
Motor vehicle accidents 10.6 Million
Deaths within 30 days:
Passenger cars . . . . . . . . . . . . 16,500
Light trucks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12,400
Motorcycle riders . . . . . . . . . . . 5,200
Pedestrians. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4,700

Notice: That's "Deaths within 30 days," which means those figures are how many folks died in car accidents per month in 2007. Which means around 430,000 people in the USA died in automobile accidents in 2007. Do you know how many people die from drug overdoses in this country per year? I recall years ago in Harper's Magazine's list of ironies they used to run, they showed a statistic that showed only 5 people had died from a cocaine overdose one year; yet that same year we spent like 60 billion dollars on the War on Drugs--always headed up, by the way, by an ex-military high-ranking goon. Ex-generals, by the way, make out a bit of alright when it comes to military retirement pay, pensions, quarters pay, health care, plus more than likely they'll get a multi-million-a-year job with a big Military Industrial Complex contractor or they'll land a job with a lobbying firm representing the Military Industrial Complex.

---US cops are being trained in Israel. Why are We the People of the USA so in awe of Israel? OK, I know it's not politically correct to say anything negative about the Jews in general which includes Israel, Zionism, Israel's having a nuclear weapon arsenal, Israel's now being the longest foreign occupier of a sovereign nation in history--Palestine, which they've occupied now for 63 years. And, yes, I read where New York City Police Chief Ray Kelly has been to Israel more than 20 times to study their police and military methods of continuing to occupy Palestine and laying siege to the Gaza Strip--especially inviting one of the most brutal Israel policemen ever, a dude named Dichter, to New York City to give Mayor Mike Bloomberg's 56,000-man ARMY terrorist training--a dude whose spies in Gaza told him that a Palestinian rebel was sleeping in an apartment building--what should they do? Dichter said, blow the place to smithereens. They replied, but, sir, it's a big apartment building, hundreds of families live there, children.... Dichter said, blow it away, so we kill a few Palestinian dogs along with this terrorist bastard...blow that motherfucker down. So the Israeli Army blew the building down--yes, Praise Yahweh (Allah), they killed the Palestinian rebel (how dare he mean terror toward the kindly Jewish people), but they also killed 8 Palestinian children, 30 some-odd adults, and left 150 people injured and homeless and desperate. Israel's cops and military are more Naht--zee...BUT, oh no, you can't say that can you?

--Sergei Khrushchev... yes, that's right, that old Soviet Khrushchev relation, his son, Sergei. Bet you didn't know that Sergei was or still is a Professor at Brown University on the Providence Plantation.

--On a recent PBS "Secrets of the Dead" episode on the Battle for Stalingrad during World War II--deeply impressive in terms of the horror of WAR. I mean these people had graphic film footage of that battle from both the Nazi side and the Soviet side. Hitler wanted to make a big impression on Uncle Joe Stalin by demolishing the city named after him. But the Soviet forces proved more valiant and defiant than Hitler ever figured. I mean, folks, you watch the footage of this rather large city being bombed off the face of the earth by the German Luftwaffe--the Germans had a camera trained on Stalingrad from across the Volga and you can visually see its once gleaning white buildings being one by one bombed back to the Stone Age. Then the cameras inside the city show bodies every where, pieces of bodies, burnt bodies, smoldering bodies--of the thousands of people living in Stalingrad at the time, only a handful survived. Millions of troops and civilians died in this brutal winter fighting, in the snow and ice and storms--yet these human beings went on destroying and killing and maiming and the Germans captured so many Soviet soldiers they couldn't care for them and kept them in outdoor pens without water or food--and as the German soldiers starved and froze to death, so did those Soviet prisoners. I mean, I can't imagine such slaughter happening in this country; yet, I know damn good and well it surely could one day happen here. Watch that god-damn docudrama--in the PBS show "Secrets of the Dead" archives.
Stalingrad during the Battle of Stalingrad thanks to

--Progress should spell an end to wars, but it doesn't. No, it ironically makes wars more deadly than before.

--Progesterone--is an anti-brain-aging supplement.

--Women farmers: Of the 3.5 million farmers still left in this country, a million of them are women. Women own 14% of some 2 million farms. Women farmers, per male prerogatives, are discriminated against when it comes to getting loans from the U.S. government.

--Ortega y Gasset wrote: "For life is at the start a chaos in which one is lost. The indivdual suspects this, but he is frightened at finding himself face to face with this terrible reality, and tries to cover it over with a curtain of fantasy, where everything is clear. It does not worry him that his 'ideas' are not true, he uses them as trenches for the defense of his existence, as scarecrows to frighten away reality."

--Why stop quoting him?: Ortega y Gasset wrote: "Blood, language, and common past are static principles, fatal, rigid, inert; they are prisons."

--Merrill-Lynch (and yes they did lynch a hell of a lot of us) is being allowed to transfer its derivatives debt onto the failing Bank of America--thereby pushing the debt onto We the People of the USA.

--Albert Pujols--shit yes he left the World Champion Cardinals for the worthless Los Angeles Angels (once the California Angels and Anaheim Angels) and a 5-year deal giving him $254 million bucks. Can you imagine, a baseball player being worth 254 million bucks--$77 million bucks a year? Good for Albert though. He is a great one--though how much you bet he'll DH in the American League--quit playing first base. Maybe I'm wrong. And, hell yes, I would have bailed on the Cardinals, too, though I can't imagine why if he's worth $254 million to the LA Angels, why wasn't he worth maybe $260 million to the Cardinals? Tony LaRussa's retiring, so maybe Albert knows something we don't know about the Cardinals's future. The administration of baseball is run by corporate-crook speculators who invest in these teams as a hobby. Most of them aren't aware of the beauty of the sport.

--In a Sestra commercial: a smiling mid-30-ish actress looks at the camera and says, "In a matter of minutes...(heavy breathing)...I WAS THERE." Where was Sestra when I was a Casanova? I remember being romantically involved with a young woman years ago on our first night to be so involved and as we got undressed and climbed into her bed, she said, "There's a tube of Prolong in the nightstand there if you're the kind of man who needs it." And thus my Heights went a Withering.

--A Verse from Elmer Snowedin (thedailygrowlerpoetlaureate):

Those Who Believe

Those who believe
will believe anything
and anything they'll believe
others follow and believe
and believers all believe
and what is believed
is unbelievable.

A short but pleasurable return from me,

for The Blue Monday Edition of The Daily Growler


Marybeth said...

I was missing the news from Lake Flaccid.

languagehat said...

Yes, and I'm sorry to hear Cecil the Dog Faced Boy is still missing in action.

Anonymous said...

Pujols' contract is for 10 years, not 5. He makes a paltry 25m /year.