"It's God's will!" Hockey Mom Sarah Palin Says, With Her Arms Upstretched Toward Glory!
In an absolutely absurd last minute eruption, John "Nutjob" McCain, like the Patriotic Maverick he is, has pulled the upset of the New Century in Amurican politics. In a last minute SURGE, reminding colleagues of Nutjob's stand on the Sacred Iraq War and his insisting that the SURGE in this God-Almighty-Approved War has given the US a solid victory in Iraq, pulled this election victory totally out of a Mad Hatter's hat--Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger in California, with a great big illegal Cuban stogie dangling out of his heavily-German-accented mouth, while looking quite seriously long at Sarah Palin's bosom--the Groper announced that he had decided to give all the California electoral votes to John "Nutjob" McCain in spite of Obama sweeping to a huge win in the California popular vote. Quickly behind Governor Swastikanegger's action came the Antiprogressive governors of Washington, Texas, Idaho, Louisiana, Alabama, Gawjah, South Carolina, the Hillbilly Hick states of Kentucky and Tennessee, Michigan, and finally a last minute lawsuit against the final Ohio vote submitted by Karl "the Schemer" Rove getting the Fed court to throw out 200,000 Democratic votes--mostly black votes in the Cleveland and Cincinnati areas. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas--yes, still showing the ropeburns from his television lynching a few years ago when Pappy Bush, our Wimp President, appointed him to the Supremely Backward Court--has declared Obama's landslide victory to be a fraud all caused by ACORN's paying winos to register great Amuricans like Mickey Mouse and the Dallas Cowboys football team and as a result of watching a Long Dong Silver retrospective DVD has made a judicious decision and he has declared John "Nutjob" McCain and Sister Sarah Palin as the official President and Vice President of these United States.
John "Nutjob" McCain was heard to say off-the-record in his luxury suite in the Arizona Biltmore Hotel in Phoenix, "That'll show that N-worder bastard who's Mister Charley in this damn town. The White House is stayin' white, friends." McCain was seen holding his chest when he was being told that instead of an expected Obama blowout--worse than Lyndon "Big Balls" Johnson beat the crap out of Barry "Chief Wahoo" Goldwasser in '64--he had actually won the 20-month-long presidential contest. When Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin was told of McCain's unexpected upset, she immediately thanked her Lord and Master, the Big Man in the Sky, in a dramatic move of falling upon the floor on her knees and shouting "Hallelujah!" Mrs. Palin was also overheard asking her closest advisor, her pre-married pregnant daughter, "How's Nutjob taking this?--has his heart blown up yet? Am I president yet?"
Fox News has declared this the most honest election in the history of elections.
aspecialstaffreport
for The Daily Growler
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