Monday, June 23, 2008

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Tits

A Christian Fundamentalist Raised From the Dead
It's early, early Monday morning in New York City. I'm up and getting ready to go out and get my morning coffee from my Muslim coffee peddler over on the near corner of Broadway and the street I live on. The teevee was running all night and I woke up to its white noise and on waking I hit the remote one time and on came this Praise the Lard and pass the biscuits and gravy Christian evangelical-bullshit paid-for (Jesus infomercials) show and as I shook the fuzz from in front of my still-half-sleeping eyes I heard this pig-jowled white guy, an older dude, lookin' good with his diamond rings and his Jesus-approved Rolex gaudily glowing on his wrist, saying that he was peddlin' his new book, 90 Minutes in Heaven. I focused on this dude--you know, awakening my full eyes--and then I came fully awake when I heard him say he'd been in a horrific 4-car pile up outside of a big Jesus-Yahoo conference area he'd just pulled out of some where out in the sticks of the USA--he said 200 pastors were behind him in a holy convoy of Christian automobiles following him in his Chrisitan automobile down the road--soon there followed a huge car crash. The dude talking, the dude who was leading that convoy of preachers, says the last he remembers is looking up and seeing he was plowing into another car. The story continues as this dude says that one of his lamebrain pastor buddies in a car just back of the 4-car pile up came waddling up to the scene to ask the policemen there if there were any people in need of prayer--Whaaaa! How cornball is that?--oh the gall of a dedicated, flim-flammer Christian--but anyway, the police told the guy that only one person was hurt in the wreck and that was the guy in the red car except, the cop added, it's too late to pray with him, he's dead--the cops supposedly wrote him off the minute they peeked in his car and got a gander at him--but this preacher said, it didn't matter, because God was telling him to go pray over the guy in the red car--God talks to these hillbilly Christians on a pretty regular basis--you would think they'd write down all God's words and make a new Christian holy book--the words of a modern God--with a Q&A session maybe: "God, does the sun still go around the earth?" "Well, that's a tough one, my son. I know the Devil has pretty much convinced everyone that the earth goes around the sun, but I say that's heresy, my son, bald-ass heresy--I mean, come on, I made the god-damn sun and earth, I should know what goes around what." "You'd think so."

I impersonate Jesus better than God maybe--but anyway, back to our tale: So this preacher who God is telling to go pray over the dead man in the red car, goes over, and the dead man is covered with a tarp, and the preacher pulls the tarp back and starts praying like a banshee over this supposedly dead body (so saith the police at least). And listen to this, this gumshoe preacher prayed over this dead guy for 5 hours, count 'em--I'm quoting the fundie dude who wrote the book--already it's a little hard for me to believe the police would leave a dead body in a car for five hours--come on! But anyway, I guess it's heresy to doubt a Christian fundie's word, so I'll accept what this dude was saying as true, which was, that after this dude had prayed over him for 5 hours, the dude came back to life. Praise the Mighty Bucket of the Best Lard! A blessed miracle. Again, my heretical nature is asking, why didn't God just let the guy live through the car wreck like he did the other participants in this holy pile up? Of course the answer to that is that God works in mysterious ways--especially he tests Christians out all the time, throwing snares and temptations and car wrecks at 'em--anyway, the long story made short is that the dude talking and selling his book was the dead guy in the red car. His book 90 Minutes in Heaven concerns this dead dude's absolutely clear memory of while he was dead going to Heaven--yep, that Hebbin' from stories of old, that other-universe metropolis that should now have a population of billions of white Christian zombies--is there a black section of Heaven? A Latino section? Anyway, this guy started talking about going to Heaven, yep, he saw the Pearly Gates, you bet he did, and who met him at the Pearly Gates, nope, not Saint Peter the First Pope, nope, but instead a woman named Mrs. Norton (Ed Norton's mother maybe), a woman who had been his neighbor when he was a kid and since his parents didn't go to church, she took him to church, Praise the Lard Piled High, and by golly, she took this dude into Holy Heaven for a quickie tour! Wow, I was so impressed I flipped off the channel and surfed a couple notches up on the remote and then, BOOM, there it was on an early morning teevee newscast: George Carlin had died earlier in L.A. of a heart attack after checking into the hospital due to chest pains--he had a history of a heart problem--and I got to thinking, this yokel dumbass lyin' preacher got to continue to live but NOT George Carlin, perhaps the most intellectual funny man ever--I mean, George Carlin was a god-damn genius when it came to showing just how laughingly hyprocritical we human beings are--George was the master of the sardonic--the first time I ever saw George was on the very first Saturday Night Live I ever watched, I was in Philadelphia, in a motel room out on the Mainline, and George Carlin came on and starting talking about God and my friend and I were struck dead in our tracks listening to this unbelievably complicated yet macabrely funny routine about God.

I was also there when the NYC Pacifica Station, WBAI-FM, played the "Filthy Words" routine and got both George and WBAI into all that FCC trouble.
http://ccinsider.comedycentral.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/10/04/georgecarlin.jpg

In memory of George Carlin, like I said, I think the greatest humorist maybe of my time, here's the "Seven Words You Can't Say on Television" routine:

The following is a verbatim transcript of "Filthy Words" (the George Carlin monologue at issue in the Supreme Court case of FCC v. Pacifica Foundation) prepared by the Federal Communications Commission:

Aruba-du, ruba-tu, ruba-tu. I was thinking about the curse words and the swear words, the cuss words and the words that you can't say, that you're not supposed to say all the time, ['cause] words or people into words want to hear your words. Some guys like to record your words and sell them back to you if they can, (laughter) listen in on the telephone, write down what words you say. A guy who used to be in Washington knew that his phone was tapped, used to answer, Fuck Hoover, yes, go ahead. (laughter) Okay, I was thinking one night about the words you couldn't say on the public, ah, airwaves, um, the ones you definitely wouldn't say, ever, [']cause I heard a lady say bitch one night on television, and it was cool like she was talking about, you know, ah, well, the bitch is the first one to notice that in the litter Johnie right (murmur) Right. And, uh, bastard you can say, and hell and damn so I have to figure out which ones you couldn't and ever and it came down to seven but the list is open to amendment, and in fact, has been changed, uh, by now, ha, a lot of people pointed things out to me, and I noticed some myself. The original seven words were, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Those are the ones that will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and (laughter) maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor (laughter) um, and a bourbon. (laughter) And now the first thing that we noticed was that word fuck was really repeated in there because the word motherfucker is a compound word and it's another form of the word fuck. (laughter) You want to be a purist it doesn't really -- it can't be on the list of basic words. Also, cocksucker is a compound word and neither half of that is really dirty. The word -- the half sucker that's merely suggestive (laughter) and the word cock is a half-way dirty word, 50% dirty -- dirty half the time, depending on what you mean by it. (laughter) Uh, remember when you first heard it, like in 6th grade, you used to giggle. And the cock crowed three times, heh (laughter) the cock -- three times. It's in the Bible, cock in the Bible. (laughter) And the first time you heard about a cock-fight, remember -- What? Huh? naw. It ain't that, are you stupid? man. (laughter, clapping) It's chickens, you know, (laughter) Then you have the four letter words from the old Anglo-Saxon fame. Uh, shit and fuck. The word shit, uh, is an interesting kind of word in that the middle class has never really accepted it and approved it. They use it like, crazy but it's not really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of gushy word. (laughter) They don't like that, but they say it, like, they say it like, a lady now in a middle-class home, you'll hear most of the time she says it as an expletive, you know, it's out of her mouth before she knows. She says, Oh shit oh shit, (laughter) oh shit. If she drops something, Oh, the shit hurt the broccoli. Shit. Thank you. (footsteps fading away) (papers ruffling)

Read it! (from audience)

Shit! (laughter) I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy album. Isn't that groovy? (clapping, whistling) (murmur) That's true. Thank you. Thank you man. Yeah. (murmur) (continuous clapping) Thank you man. Thank you. Thank you very much, man. Thank, no, (end of continuous clapping) for that and for the Grammy, man, [']cause (laughter) that's based on people liking it man, yeh, that's ah, that's okay man. (laughter) Let's let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let my hair hang down now, shit. (laughter) Ha! So! Now the word shit is okay for the man. At work you can say it like crazy. Mostly figuratively, Get that shit out of here, will ya? I don't want to see that shit anymore. I can't cut that shit, buddy. I've had that shit up to here. I think you're full of shit myself. (laughter) He don't know shit from Shinola. (laughter) you know that? (laughter) Always wondered how the Shinola people feel about that (laughter) Hi, I'm the new man from Shinola. (laughter) Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. (laughter) How are ya? (laughter) Boy, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch. (laughter) Guess, I'll shit on my watch. (laughter) Oh, the shit is going to hit de fan. (laughter) Built like a brick shit-house. (laughter) Up, he's up shit's creek. (laughter) He's had it. (laughter) He hit me, I'm sorry. (laughter) Hot shit, holy shit, tough shit, eat shit, (laughter) shit-eating grin. Uh, whoever thought of that was ill. (murmur laughter) He had a shit-eating grin! He had a what? (laughter) Shit on a stick. (laughter) Shit in a handbag. I always like that. He ain't worth shit in a handbag. (laughter) Shitty. He acted real shitty. (laughter) You know what I mean? (laughter) I got the money back, but a real shitty attitude. Heh, he had a shit-fit. (laughter) Wow! Shit-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't there. (murmur, laughter) All the animals -- Bull shit, horse shit, cow shit, rat shit, bat shit. (laughter) First time I heard bat shit, I really came apart. A guy in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw! Bat shit. (laughter) Vera reminded me of that last night, ah (murmur). Snake shit, slicker than owl shit. (laughter) Get your shit together. Shit or get off the pot. (laughter) I got a shit-load full of them. (laughter) I got a shit-pot full, all right. Shit-head, shit-heel, shit in your heart, shit for brains, (laughter) shit-face, heh (laughter) I always try to think how that could have originated; the first guy that said that. Somebody got drunk and fell in some shit, you know. (laughter) Hey, I'm shit-face. (laughter) Shitface, today. (laughter) Anyway, enough of that shit. (laughter) The big one, the word fuck that's the one that hangs them up the most. [']Cause in a lot of cases that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So, it's natural that the word would, uh, have the same effect. It's a great word, fuck, nice word, easy word, cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One syllable, short u. (laughter) Fuck. (Murmur) You know, it's easy. Starts with a nice soft sound fuh ends with a kuh. Right? (laughter) A little something for everyone. Fuck (laughter) Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. Who are you? I am FUCK. (laughter) FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) Tune in again next week to FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) It's an interesting word too, [']cause it's got a double kind of a life -- personality -- dual, you know, whatever the right phrase is. It leads a double life, the word fuck. First of all, it means, sometimes, most of the time, fuck. What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love. (laughter) we're really going to fuck, yeah, we're going to make love. Right? And it also means the beginning of life, it's the act that begins life, so there's the word hanging around with words like love, and life, and yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's one that you have toward the end of the argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You finally can't make out. Oh, fuck you man. I said, fuck you. (laughter, murmur) Stupid fuck. (laughter) Fuck you and everybody that looks like you. (laughter) man. It would be nice to change the movies that we already have and substitute the word fuck for the word kill, wherever we could, and some of those movie cliches would change a little bit. Madfuckers still on the loose. Stop me before I fuck again. Fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump. Easy on the clutch Bill, you'll fuck that engine again. (laughter) The other shit one was, I don't give a shit. Like it's worth something, you know? (laughter) I don't give a shit. Hey, well, I don't take no shit, (laughter) you know what I mean? You know why I don't take no shit? (laughter) [']Cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) If I give a shit, I would have to pack shit. (laughter) But I don't pack no shit cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) That's a joke when you're a kid with a worm looking out the bird's ass. You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) It's an eight-year-old joke but a good one. (laughter) The additions to the list. I found three more words that had to be put on the list of words you could never say on television, and they were fart, turd and twat, those three. (laughter) Fart, we talked about, it's harmless It's like tits, it's a cutie word, no problem. Turd, you can't say but who wants to, you know? (laughter) The subject never comes up on the panel so I'm not worried about that one. Now the word twat is an interesting word. Twat! Yeh, right in the twat. (laughter) Twat is an interesting word because it's the only one I know of, the only slang word applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that doesn't have another meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch, box and pussy all have other meanings, man. Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, We're going to snatch that pussy and put him in a box and bring him on the airplane. (murmur, laughter) Everybody loves it. The twat stands alone, man, as it should. And two-way words. Ah, ass is okay providing you're riding into town on a religious feast day. (laughter) You can't say, up your ass. (laughter) You can say, stuff it! (murmur) There are certain things you can say its weird but you can just come so close. Before I cut, I, uh, want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man, fellow, uh space travelers. Thank you man for tonight and thank you also. (clapping whistling)

From Pacifica Archives

thegrowlingwolf

for The Daily Growler

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