Thursday, September 03, 2009

Another Adventure With the The Daily Growler Jots & Tittles Man

[Finally, a well-edited version!][90 mostly women and children were killed in Afghanistan yesterday--by a NATO airstrike. This war is being justified as a "coalition" war, though the US is in charge of it, that we guarantee you all!]

From the Gassy Shores and Sufferin' Dells of Nonchalant Lake Flaccid, New York, Comes, to the Sounds of Handcrafted Adirondack Sackbutts, barrabusmunn-dayne, the Old Jots & Tittles Man

Ahoy, Mateys! And I give you a seaman's greeting because I've just been out riding on Lake Flaccid with Charlie Hooch in his new cigarette boat. It's a craft much too large and powerful for soggy old Lake Flaccid, but, hey, so far, Charlie's happier than a local possum eating its own crap with the expensive toy. Charlie is a blacksmith by signboard and trade but a professional bootlegger in terms of occupation, a distiller of high regard by local lawbreaking drinkers--and, yes, I've had many a taste of Charlie's Adirondack Scotch as he likes to call it. It's not bad. Not bad at all. I took a bottle over to Cecil the Dog-faced Boy III's last soiree and he rejoiced in dulcet tones about its body and Scottish lake country flavor. Why, old Cecil said he could almost tell me which lake region in Scotland it was from. When I told him Charlie Hooch had made it--had it stored for 12 years in a secret cave a few miles back in Adirondack State Park--he flipped and said he definitely wanted to meet old Charlie in a doing business sense.

Charlie is as honest a Scotsman as you can get around here; true to his clan, the Campbell Clan he claims, and he has worn the Campbell tartan every year during the Lake Flaccid Scottish Festival, of which Charlie and his family are the only participants. I sometimes humor him by calling him Charlie McHooch, which he claims to shy away from but what I know gives him quite a personal thrill. Charlie loves to be famous and get noted for his fame and he's certainly been noted around here lately with that damn cigarette boat. That damn thing looks like it's about 60 feet long. Looks like an ocean liner on Lake Flaccid. Shoots a rooster tail out behind it, too, when Charlie guns it full throttle and roars from the Playboy Boy's docks all the way the mile and a half over to Run-Down Falls and Johnny High Clouds's self-constructed mansion made out of Johnny's dad's old bottle collection, over 45,000 bottles, and Johnny didn't know what the hell to do with them when he inherited them, then he saw an article in an old Life magazine about a guy in California who'd built a house out of bottles, so that's what Johnny did with his dad's bottle collection, he built a house out of them. Johnny calls his house "Firewater Manor" and I must say it's quite a strange-looking site sitting right out like a sore thumb on the farthest end of Lake Flaccid. I can see the sun glare it gives off from my cabin porch--and I'm way across the Lake from Johnny's glass house.

And, yes, if you were wondering, I did meet Cecil the Dog-faced Boy III's sister. At last. I was shocked. I expected a "dog," if you'll forgive my punning, but I found instead a normal-looking woman. She's 35; slap-dab gorgeous. Hey, I gotta say, I made a dog of myself over her. Cecil made growly faces all during dinner as Lickelia, that's her name, and of course, they call her Licky for short, and I babbled away about all sorts of things we had in common, including, I thought, a heavy attraction for each other. I got the impression as the evening carried on, Cecil utterly despises his "normal" sister. I know Cecil's father, Cecil II, looked more like a dog than Cecil III does, and, too, I know Cecil II was pitiful caninewise compared to the original Cecil I, who, most agreed, looked more like a cocker spaniel than he did a human being. The only difference being in the two species, Cecil I stayed up on his hind legs and didn't go nuts with his dog-like natural instinct to take a dump or a piss wherever nature called no matter where the call occurred. The old fans used to joke, "You cain't tell whether it's Cecil or a real cocker spaniel until they pass a fireplug. Ever' time the real cocker's gonna cock a leg and give that fireplug a good sprayin', while Cecil I's human nature allows him to pass by a fireplug with his nose in the air and not even showing a veering toward that object of so many canine urine baths." Only once, Cecil III admitted to me, did his grandfather ever get caught cocking his leg in public and that was after a big performance in the Falkland Islands for a sheep grower's convention when Cecil I had been on display for 12 hours without a break and he just couldn't hold it any longer, so he ran to the nearest large-enough tree, dropping to all-fours, and cocking his leg for a long firehose-rather-like spraying of the unfortunate tree he fortunately found since trees are as rare as fireplugs in the Falkland Islands.
Jots & Tittles
--How about that Jenna Bush, yeah, I suppose the less lush of the Bush-Baby girl twins, the former wild-party and drinking companion sisters, has had her journalistic skills analyzed by the National Broadchasing Corporation and they've found them far beyond those of even their most-seasoned reporters as a talking head for their morning Today Show. There ya go, folks. And you thought becoming a big-time, high-paid, TV reporter/analyst/airhead was a tough row to ho'--evidently not for Jenna Bush at NBC. I mean, what vice-president in charge of talent came up with Jenna Bush? Ah, the privileges of even our worst president in history, a fraudulent president, a liar, a coward, a heavy drinking and coke snorting daddy whose two phony except brutal wars have not only wrecked our economy but they have divided this country worse than it's been divided since the Civil War days. Yet, Jenna, darling Jenna, was so innocent of her father's sins. Remember she and her twin sister were usually found stinking drunk at some cowboy wild-party shindig around the Fort Worth, Texas, area! Now, Jenna has cleaned up her act. Why she even got married. And I'm sure she gets a nice allowance from We the People since she's the daughter of an ex-President, no matter how crooked and fraudulent he was, or his brothers were, or his old Pappy was. Old Pappy Bush has recently been bragging, "Hey, I outlived that fucking Lion of the Senate, and besides, I only killed our enemies by providing America with its only successful war since, a war, by the way, in which I was an Air Force hero. Besides, I never killed one of my female staffers by drowning her!" [We happily note, that in Uncle Teddy Kennedy's posthumous bestselling tell-all book, the new Kennedy saint says he was not fucking Mary Jo Kopechne. I guess that makes killing her OK in his and the Kennedy's own personal God's eyes.]

--And how about that send off for Uncle Teddy! Wow. I can't think of any human being in recent US history who got such a well-covered send off to glory. And wow, they sent old once thought of as disgraceful Uncle Teddy off to glory with teevee coverage of his every move in that big limo hearse as they traipsed him from Hyannis into Boston, propped him up in the We-the-People-paid-for JFK Library, to then truck him down to the Arlington Cemetery where he's reunited with his already-saints brothers...oh the bill We the People are going to get for Uncle Teddy's glorious ascension into that Kennedy compound up in Heaven.

Sorry to interrupt my diatribe on Uncle Teddy the least-loved Kennedy brother, but I think I've come upon a great idea. Why don't we skin out and stuff our greatest leaders and display them in glass cases in Washington, District of Corruption (maybe in a special museum on K Street)? Cool. Uncle Teddy stuffed, wearing one of his patented sloppy-fitting $4,000 custom-made suits, made for him in the Capitol tailor shop (yep, the Capitol has a tailor shop, a barbershop/hair salon, a gym, a recreation facility, a resident nursing staff--oh yeah, you talk about a good life)! You go, Uncle Teddy!

So Uncle Teddy Kennedy is now off in Valhalla playing touch football with his more-loved-by-Joe brothers. I heard one wailing with remorse Boston woman saying she felt so at ease now that Uncle Teddy was finally with his brothers in that closed Kennedy compound in Heaven. Jesus Christ, where do these people come from? Like the idiots showing up at the Dumbocrat healthcare sideshows and with bitterly bitter faces, scowling as though mad with rabies as they rail against anything humane in terms of healthcare, flailing themselves with cat'o'nine tails of grief on the coming of SOCIALIZED medicine to this great CAPITALIST GOD-DIRECTED country and God and Capitalism show no mercy to people who can't afford to pay for their own healthcare, the best healthcare in the world, even though it is outrageously expensive and not very rewarding in terms of extending your life, unless you call staying alive on pills living. Some old codgers are taking 20 different pills a day in order to avoid shakin' hands with the Swine Flu-carrying Grim Reaper. [How big the profits some pharmaceutical company is going to make off this Swine Flu epidemic? Remember when the makers of Thermaflu made big profits off the Bird Flu epidemic? Remember how much profit the makers of Cipro (Pfizer) made off the big anthrax epidemic? Imagine rooting for a healthcare system that makes huge profits off a nation's death-threatening epidemics! A healthcare system that fleeces sick people eager to live, so hopeful, they are willing to take any pill prescribed them in order to keep from DYING! "What do you mean should you quit smoking, Miz Fat Woman? Just because you have throat cancer! By the way, did you know your health coverage doesn't include your kind of cancer?" "That's OK, I trust our great nation's healthcare system and, besides, I've got God on my side." "That's the way we like to hear you Yahoos talk. That means more money in my pocket and my supervisor's pocket and his vice-president's pocket, and the CFO's pocket, and the CEO's pocket...and we are looking forward to the biggest bonuses in our short wonderful profitable lifespan. By the way, I don't personal use our healthcare system. It's rated the worst among healthcare big shots and decisionmakers."

--Did I mention, Jenna Bush has been hired as a reporter by the Today Show? Maybe President Obama could get one of his daughters on the CBS Morning Show as a reporter. That'd be cool, don't you think?
That's the new Today Show cub reporter on top of her having-fun sister back in the good ole days when Daddy was our faux president. I'm glad to report that Jenna is now a settled-down married woman--but she still needs a job, poor dear.

--Just read in NYTimes: the US Government is on the verge of having to hire over 270,000 workers in almost the immediate future due to Baby Boomer retirements hitting them hard since Obama's taken the throne. So there you go, folks. A chance for a job with the world's largest employer of human beings, the US Government. We the People are also the biggest buyers of teevee advertising time. Check out the huge number of armed forces recruitment ads running twenty-four-seven these days! And all those "public service" announcements that run as station time fillers that also fulfill their public service obligation that is a part of these guys getting their licenses in order to make a living off We the People's airwaves! And a good living they make, too.

--Bernie Madoff is claiming he at one time was being considered as head of the SEC. Why not? I ask. We've got a big crook heading our Treasury Department and a big crook heading the Federal Reserve and several of the big-time Wall Street criminals advising President Obama, so why not Bernie Madoff heading up the SEC. He could do that job from prison, couldn't he?

--the Vuelta a Espana is running on one of the Finger Lakes teevee channels up here. That's bike tour racing for you folks going "Huh? Dah whaaa?" The same huge pack of pedalers show up for these tours, and they are definitely tours de force--these bike races, they aren't really races, they're run it with what's called stages, each stage featuring a different trial in terms of bicycle riding and endurance, like flat-road sprinting or mountain climbing or overall endurance in terms of time, each stage going hundreds of miles and taking up to 5 hours to complete. This Vuelta a Espana started for the first time ever this year outside of Spain in the Netherlands and Belgium, the 4th stage ending Tuesday in Liege, Belgium. They had a rest day yesterday and are resuming the Vuelta today in Spain at last. This tour will go on until September 20th when it finally ends in Madrid with a big sprint event. These tours are run by sponsored teams, each team carrying with it many cyclists who work together like clockwork on these stages to get their best riders to the front of the pelotones so they can win stages and eventually get their champion as the final overall point winner and winner of the tour. Spain boasts some of the greatest tour cyclists in the world. The American Saint Lance Armstrong is one of the greatest tour cyclists in tour cycling history--and tour cycling is a sport as old as the bicycle almost--most Euro tours being run over 100 years now.

--a Chinese porn scammer has hacked into Google's and every morning at six a.m., EST, the The Daily Growler gets this porn scam in Chinese. Google says all you can do is "Reject" it as a comment and it goes away...or we can throw him into the Spam bin in our email.

This dude is peddling young poon or you know, those teeny-bopper-looking Thai chickies or those baby-faced Filipino girls who love to get banged by older White dudes. Thailand has the honor of being one of the big AIDS epidemic countries and the Philippines has always been highly praised for its clean underage whores and and its intolerance of child abuse. But, hey, no complaints from the immoral The Daily Growler. [I had a long argument with the The Daily Growler managing editor about having to use that damn double article crap, you know, like us having to follow style that says "When mentioning the The Daily Growler in any context the "The" must go with the name every time." So when mentioning the The Daily Growler, there, you see how stupid we contributors have to think? "I was reading the other day in the The Daily Growler that several on the The Growler staff were complaining to no avail about archaic editorial styles and how punishing they are to modern machinegun writing."]

The Chinese porn scammer is also smarter than Google in that he's managed to tweak the "delete forever" function to where it says when you try to delete the Chinese guy's spam for his "young very young illegal young Asian fuckee girls for your preasure and your plick preasure. Get hand ready for Asian Akshun" it gives you an error message: "bX-gc7ujn ERROR CANNOT DELETE." Besides, and I'm being facetious maybe, but aren't all Asians smarter than dumbass Yahoo Americans according to our Power Elite reverends of the Capitalist Faith? Even though our colleges are packed with Asian students wanting US college degrees. Also, given our growing Asian-American population, why are our schools still so backwards and turning out such dumbasses? So this Chinese porn scammer has outfoxed Google--but then, hey, the Commie Chinese government had Google by the balls a few years ago.

--Any Yahoo eMail holders noticed on that since Billy and Melinda Gates have bought poor not-making-enough-profits Yahoo for all the billions of dollars there are in the world how suddenly cluttered with all kinds of ads Yahoo email home pages are? Animated banner ads, fancy sidebar ads, one a big huge one for this rather inane Rich Dad Poor Dad joker, speaking of tricky Asians, who is going around carefully but not quite carefully enough explaining how by paying him hundreds of dollars for his special money-making kit or by paying hundreds of dollars to attend one of his coming-to-your-town-soon seminars you're going to get filthy rich, always sort of "overnight," like his dad became and like Senor Wang-dang-doodle, Jr., has become since thousands of suckers seem to enjoy taking his get-rich-quick bait and rationalizing their falling sucker to this flim-flam by saying, "Why heck, I'm only riskin' a couple a'hunderd bucks...heck fire, I blow that a week on my smokin' habit. Besides, this little yellow fella said some pretty interestin' thangs on that there infomercial of his that runs 24/7 on our local Larry Pax teevee channel."

--Did I say Jenna Bush has been hired by the NBC Today Show as a reporter?

--It's a fascinating world
. The killing goes on in Iraq in spite of our troops still being there. In spite of Blackwater (whatever there latest new name is) still being there guarding our visiting priviledged Power Eliters who seem to come and go from here to there at will. And the war in Afghanistan goes on and on and on and the killing mounts on both sides and in the civilian population in that war, too, and again the military idiots are saying we're doomed there unless they get more troops--oh, another 21,000, please--oh, wait, make that another 50,000 troops--and that won't be enough either--and yet everyday we are losing millions and millions of dollars on that war and we just set a record in August for the most US troops killed in one month in Afghanistan since that war began way back there when Jenna Bush's father told a whole pack of lies after he finished reading My Pet Goat down to those Florida fifth graders, totally unconcerned about "Osama bin Laden" having pulled off one of the greatest military invasions since those days of the Trojan Horse against the World Trade Center first and a farm field in Pennsylvania (none of that plane's wreckage was ever recovered, was it?) next and then that huge plane hitting the precious Pentagon yet leaving only a narrow thin hole in the building--no wreckage left even though the nose of the plane penetrated a back wall only half the length of a big Boeing jet--no motors recovered--one witness saying he saw a flash across the sky and then the building exploded--like maybe that was a missile that hit the Pentagon...but anyway, Jenna's daddy got My Pet Goat finished ("No child left behind, dammit") before, like the coward he is, he was whisked off to Omaha, Nebraska, on a special Air Force plane, while his coward martinet-uncle, Unka Dick Cheney cowered in his private bunker somewhere in the Washington, District of Corruption area. How did Unka Dick know to acquire himself a private bunker in the first place? Does Veep Workingman Joe Biden have a private bunker? Does Obama plan to maybe reopen old Ike Eisenhower's mountain bunker out in Denver, Colorado, where Ike loved to play golf (what he did most during his time as president of the USA (that and allow the VietNam situation get out of hand)) and where he had a massive heart attack while playing golf at Denver where it was rumored he had a private bunker under a mountain around there somewhere? The Air Force Academy was eventually located just south of Denver--isn't that interesting? Remember Obama in Denver?

And we are sending more and more and more drones into Pakistan and killing more and more innocent women and children--justified according to President Obama in that among the 30 or so people killed in one of our drone attacks might possibly be an Al-Queda terrorist intent upon killing Americans--or maybe an evil Taliban bastard fighting to regain control of his country was killed! Kill or be killed is the motto of the American Armed Forces--that's pumped into all shaved-head (shavetails they call 'em) recruits who are still volunteering for This Man's Army, now a This Woman's Army, too. How outright mean are those ads purportedly showing the wives and mothers of soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan testifying to how the US Army has made real MEN and WOMEN out of their sons and daughters and how proud they are of their patriotism, even though they may be coming home in a body bag or without any arms or legs or maybe crazy enough to kill their whole families--Jesus, and our tax money on our earnings is paying for those ads. LIke I said, the largest buyer of advertising time on commercial television is the US Government. The largest employer in the USA is the US Government. Where can you get a job pretty god-damn easy: why not try the US Government. Shit, why don't we all march into a US Government office (we own them don't we?) and demand jobs, temporary or otherwise--and if we don't really know how to do the jobs, then god-damn train us--just hire us--put an end to the "recession" (it is a real depression, folks, trust me) immediately--that and ending those stupid killing wars.

--Whatever happened to President Obama's sending US troops down to the border to put an end to these drug gangs taking over every city in Mexico? Poor old bastards trying to get drug abuse treatment broke the rules yesterday down South of the Border--"We say you stay hooked on drugs or we shoot you full of holes." Druggers killed what 18 poor fucking addicts and the healthcare workers trying to help them.

--And speaking of legal drugs, poor old Charles Pfizer and Sons, oops, that was their old name, now they're simply Pfizer, but anyway, poor old Pfizer got slapped on the wrist by the US Government--oh boo-hoo-hoo, they had to come up with 2 point something billion bucks to pay a fine for recommending some of their low-selling performer drugs as treatments for diagnoses they really weren't meant as treatments for--some that hadn't even finished being clinically tested (a farce anyway--testing these drugs against placebos--blind tests they're called--some patients in the clinical trial being giving sugar pills and others given the new drug. Guess what, in some of these trials the drug doesn't do much more than the placebo and in some trials the placebo actually does better than the drug).

A two-billion-dollar fine to Pfizer is like a parking ticket fine to a local yokel. The Pfizer CEO could pay that as out-of-pocket expenses and get repaid by the company in stock options--maybe even make a little profit on paying the fine. What a joke. And still Pfizer will go ahead with business as usual. How shocked was our government at finding out Pfizer paid the doctors on the clinical studies hundreds of thousands of dollars per study? Come on, Pfizer and every pharmaceutical drug company there is not only uses the same doctors for every clinical trial but they've, too, always paid them big bucks--and always these same doctors find in favor of the drugs in spite of the many WARNINGS that accompany each new chemical formula they turn into "drugs"--and now, as a result of this fine, don't you know Pfizer's going to be raising the prices on all their drugs. All you psychotics beware, your Zoloft is going up again! All you Lipitor takers, look out, Lipitor's gonna get more expensive! Hey, Pfizer has to satisfy those stockholders, who by the way ain't you or me, even if you own Pfizer stock--you're not the stockholders they're claiming they have to satisfy.

Prescribed drugs either over prescribed or overdosed or given wrongly in terms of treatment cause the deaths of around 300,000 people a year. Am I exaggerating? Check it out.

--President Obama's hiding behind the shield of a speech Wednesday night. Yes, the The Daily Growler managing editor was correct when he said when Obama got frustrated and in trouble politically he gave a major speech. That's what's happening Wednesday night. Though the healthcare bullshit has already been settled in the backrooms and secret meetings in the District of Corruption (or on the golf course in Martha Vineyard) so this speech is just for show. It will change nothing. There won't be a public option in any healthcare bill--Obama's too afraid of Pappy Bush and G.W. Bush's New World Order Neo-Con thugs--so he'll capitulate to the rightwinger nutjobs (this Mainer, Olympia Snowjob) and we'll all end up paying more money to the HMOs and insurance companies and the pharmaceuticals and the utilities companies and Medicare will be weaker and Medicare Plan D drugs will shoot higher in price and we will either pay the cost to live or we'll suffer the cost of dying--at least when you're dead you don't have to worry about bills and foreclosures and heart attacks and strokes and stress and bullshit and being shafted any more.

--"War is a much too serious matter to be left in the hands of the military." Georges Clemenceau said that, or something like that, way back in the days after the War to End All Wars.

--Hey, here comes Charlie McHooch in his cigarette boat--tooling right head on toward my cabin. Guess I'll take a little ride with him over to Ed Hoag's tavern--yes, we call him Ed Hog most of the time--"Ah bee-ah, ah bee-ah, bee-ah, ah, bee-ah, er-ahhh, that's all, Folks."

OK, not a very good written impression of my favorite pig.

for The Daily Growler

No comments: