Jubilation T. Cornpone
A famous American pedophile [my apologies to Al Capp--he wasn't a pedophile, just a "dirty old man"--propositioning a married Wisconsin college student in Eau Claire, Wisc., being what I thought was pedophilia, but also propositioning among others Goldie Hawn and Edie Adams (Ernie Kovacks's wife)], never jailed though he was officially tagged with the title (of "adulterer") by some (a Wisconsin) court, came up with that character name, Jubilation T. Cornpone, and the great Canadian pianist, Oscar Peterson, recorded a version of the tune from the Broadway "musical," "Lil' Abner" [I show my disrespect toward Broadway musicals by not italicizing them because Broadway musicals, to me, are too easy to parody because they are from a worn-out concept brought over here by the European immigrants to this country at the turn of the last century. To me, it's nothing but bastardized British musical hall crap (Harry Lauder; Beatrice Lilly), Vauxhall and Vaudeville being the same to me, though, of course, I concede Broadway musicals are a New York City phenomenon, also, as were also most of our American standard tunes popularized (Harry Ruby, the Gershwins, Vernon Duke, Hal Arlen, Johnny Mercer, et al) during the 19-teens on down to the advent of US rock 'n roll in the late 1950s, when the blues, r and b, rock 'n roll, funk, and even folk music drove the old "standards" musicians into the music dust bin--like Frank Sinatra, Doris Day, Perry Como, Dick Powell, June Allyson, even the Broadway musical stars like John Riatt, Celeste Holm, Alfred Drake, Ezio Pinza, Mary Martin, Ethel Merman (God what a horrible voice--only a music-loving Gay man could dig Ethel Merman at her loudest) went into that dust bin, too; along with the likes of Sergio Franchi, Mario Lanza--I could go on naming them for another twenty pages. Tony Bennett is one of the last of these dust binners still walking amongst us (Christian English). Tony's pop glory ended with him leaving his heart in San Francisco after he'd gone from rags to riches--god, how I hated Tony Bennett as a new-generation kid--then Tony sort of saved his act by going jazz, with pianist Ralph Sharon, a Brit, teaching Tony the jazz idiom--getting him out of that Italian crooner mode and into a more Mel-Torme-White-jazz-type mode; and Mel Torme was a much better jazz singer ever than Tony Bennett, though Mel, like Bing Crosby, had a lot of "Black imitation" in him; in fact, all of that Hollywood hip crowd from those "golden-age" days loved imitating Blacks, though that imitating was verrry Vaudeville, very New York City, as in the Jewish comic acts--dig what I'm jivin' at you with?
The [Adulterer] who created the hick/hillbilly Abner of "Lil' Abner" fame was good ol' patriotic American, Al Capp, who was originally from some cornpone middle American state like Iowa [Wrong Again--Al was born and raised in Connecticut]--and I don't mean to pick on poor old Iowa (one of my second homes is Davenport) and they did just legalize same-sex marriage--
I'm thinking again, like, why doesn't someone come up with marrying animals?--our pets--before we can mate them they have to marry, make it legal, with the license, the blood test (what the hell is that except another way for the State to collect money?)...save the economy by establishing a whole pet wedding industry--I mean, don't we have pet mortuaries and cemeteries? Don't we have pet hospitals and pet healthcare? Why not pet marriages?
You see the thoughts blasting my poor old brain pan today--my instinctual man forcing these thoughts into my mushy already brain's operating system...
Like I saw a guy this morning on teevee peddling for $200 a chance, a rare chance opened up by the Israeli government for each and every one of us, Gentile, Muslim, Buddhist, whatever, even Atheists, to buy a tree in an Israeli olive grove. For $200 they send you back a certificate giving you the number of YOUR olive tree, it's location (one location is in the Megiddo Valley, the site of the Christian God's pouring out his wrath on Mankind at his famous battle of Armageddon, where the blood from the beheaded or run-through Devil's forces will flow up to the bellies of the Good Lord's army's horses), and another certification certifying that your name is on that tree for the rest of its life [yeah sure], assuring you that this tree is YOUR tree. As a gesture of their sincerity, once a year, they send you a bottle of olive oil made from the olives from YOUR tree (that one I don't believe no matter how many authentication certificates come with it). And, the salesman adds, if you want more olive oil from YOUR tree, you simply use the handy order form that comes with all your certificates and order a bottle from the Israeli State Olive Oil Company--"Holy Land" brand, we hope! And "Holy Land" is Christian English for Palestine before 1946. And you know what the Palestinian economy depends on most for its income, the sales of its particularly fine olive oils--except the Israeli Army recently bombed the Palestinian olive groves to smithereens--oh, but, I forget, the Israelis are the Chosen Ones! Yahoo! That to me is the subject of a Broadway musical, starring Olive "Oy Vey" Oyl.
So like I've been intimating, I woke up this morning with my head filled with dancing, prancing, wild-eyed, half-lobo, half-heathen-monkey thoughts, waving fields of thoughts, a jungle of thoughts, and these were sequential thoughts that seemed to be coming up directly from my Holy Ghost, that thus seated in my solar plexus, and I'm talking Christian English again...and, damn, you see what I mean, that was one of those thoughts...this Christian English I've been using above (in those heavenly paragraphs just above this hellish horizon)...and, dammit, remember, I'm a potty trained Sociologist--and I love and crave "Sociologist" thinkers--like my friend L Hat--he's a "sociologist" thinker...and I'm doing Sociology thinking.
Thinking like a Sociologist. I mean all day long I've been gazing upon some aspect of my New York City society. A Sociologist gazes upon all society, it doesn't matter if it's a society of one or of a billion--and Sociologists gaze upon every whatever aspect of every square nanoinch of every society, macrocosmically or microcosmically. I knew guys in college who were future Sociologists who wanted to study society from the individual brain outward, brain evolution, you know, trying to discover in what part of the brain the concept of "society" originates. That's fascinating to me. I'm a Gestaltist as a result of studying so much German sociological theory--though I also read the French dudes and the smarter-than-the-average-Cockney Brits, like old crazy Herbert Spencer, Bernard Shaw, or the truly wacky Germans like Nietzsche, Oswald Spengler, Kraft-Ebbing. I loved the Utopia of Karl Mannheim!
So thinking like a Sociologist, I got to reasoning, why not cooperative olive orchards developing in our richest earth sunniest hillside states? Community olive orchards with members of the community buying trees and starting an olive oil industry or buying plots of land and selling shares in them as community truck gardens. Community cooperative efforts. Building marketplaces for local merchants to sell their goods--whatever their goods are. Why don't we raise our own food locally? Instead, we have food flown in from Chile and Ecuador--I mean, I saw where we buy chickens from Vietnam--isn't that where the bird flu originated?
Like, for instance, if NYC's billionaire buffoon-dangerous Mayor would take a couple'a hundred million out of his own deep pockets (he's the US's fifth wealthiest man) and instead of using it to buy teevee time to spout his reasons to illegally run for an illegal third term for mayor, he'd create a local food source and city market system--oh, we used to have that didn't we, like the fish market that used to be down on Fulton Street? They ran that out of Manhattan and redeveloped it as a seaport museum--Jesus--that museum was already there and doing just fine when the fish market was there. Of course, that fish market was run by the Mafia and the Mafia ran the fish business until Rev. Sunny Boy Moon and his Korean Moon worshippers took over the Eastern Seaboard fishing industry.
Like how about turning some acres of Central Park into a productive source of food and energy in terms of biofuels, wind power, solar power, hydroponic gardening, etc.?-- though sociological speaking, I see the bad side of biofuels--a filthy disgusting bad side. For instance, put a quart of salad oil in a frying pan and turn the heat up to engine heat hot (around 400 F.) and watch what happens as that oil starts getting hot. Foul smoke develops, oily, greasy smoke...ugh, and the oil in that smoke is cancerous...OH NO, you Socialist asshole, my critics are shouting! And, yes, Socialism was developed by Sociologists--so was Communism--and, I'm sorry to say, so was Capitalism...and so was Fascism...and "isms" is one of the fields of study for Sociologists.
And another thought hit me, too, like why don't we teach high school kids basic diagnostic medicine? Like teach us how to diagnose our own aches and pains. You know, why can't we take our own blood pressure, check our own cholesterol levels, you know, learn to take blood and do simply blood tests and urine tests, etc.? Check stool under a microscope? Why can't communities start their own cooperative health clinics? Hire doctors and nurses to give preliminary healthcare! Why can't communities run their own emergency rooms?
It's Good Friday and the Christian Stock Market is closed today. You see, New York City, politically is thought of as a Catholic city! Of course, Jesse Jackson saw it as Hymietown, but I don't know. It seems to me the Catholics have much more political power in this burg than the Jews, though Mayor Bloomberg made it--thanks to Mayor Abe Beame afore him--though Rudi Guliana came in on the Catholic crowd, the Irish and the Italians--Rudi's from Sicilian stock isn't he? Same as Mrs. Mario Cuomo? Same as the teevee judge, Janine Perro, the former Westchester New York County District Attorney, whose husband is Sicilian. Ah, the Sicilians! And they make great olive oil, too.
My thoughts are controlled now. Except for why not locally organized and run banks? Why not quit trading at Wal-Marts? Why not take our money out of the current banks and form new banks? Why not disrespect Delaware law in terms of credit card interest rates and quit paying your Delaware or South Dakota-based credit card interest?--fuck 'em--all they can do is hire goons to come break your legs and shit--and trust me, they'll have to get the Feds to protect them with the US Army if they start breaking legs and kidnapping kids and shit. Soon they'll all go belly up and localities can start all over again from the ground up. Like why can't communities develop their own lines of clothing?
Look at what a fucking silly ass worthless deal the new president of General Motors came up with for using his bailout bucks in developing environment-friendly autos--a deal with Segway to develop a two-seater Segway that looks pitiful compared to the old Davis three-wheel autos from back in the 60s. I remember when you could buy an automobile kit from the King Midget Car Co. and build your own King Midget car--they advertised in the classified section of Popular Mechanics. We tried minicars before. The Nash Rambler. The Crosley. The Henry K (from the Kaiser-Frazier Motor Co.). The Little Austin. The MG Midget. The Morris Minor. They never work. People buy them at first but then realize how damn dangerous they are. What a waste of We the People's bailout bucks by General Motors. In the meantime, have you noticed how every Japanese car company is coming up with hybrids all over the place? In the meantime, the best GM can come up with is a two-seat Segway. Can you imagine a huge Mack diesel garbage truck plowing into your two-seat Segway? What would remain of your Segway?...or worse, what would remain of you and your shotgun-side companion?
for The Daily Growler